Another voice
Hopalong vs Bugs Bunny
Auberon Waugh
Those who seek a pedestrian or mun- dane solution to everything might de- cide that it was Walter Mondale's terrible fishy eyes set over eyebags which pro- claimed sleeplessness, worry and a man who was trying too hard, that made one decide instinctively to disbelieve every- thing he said. The eyes and the eyebags certainly gave the lie to his chirpy, good- natured smile. When he was not speaking, the face immediately retired behind the mask of a cheerful rabbit, a sort of Bugs Bunny doll unconvincingly dressed in a human skin and promoted to Presidential candidate in a country which loves its cartoon animals • and understands them much better than we do. But those wor- ried, crooked, watchful eyes gave him away every time.
Similarly, those who seek a simple ex- planation to everything will have decided that it was senility which made Ronald Reagan give the impression of being a man who could take in little of what was said to him, whose remarks had little bearing on anything which had gone before. More alarming, if one listened to what he actual- ly said, there was a further impression that he might not be in control of the words at all. The Bugs Bunny doll I bought for my oldest daughter about 15 years ago was equipped with a recorded voice which enabled it to make about five statements, although its accent was so peculiar that I could never quite make out what they were. At least it was confined to those five statements. Hopalong gave the impression of a cowboy who, having hung up his saddle after a lifetime of ridin' on the range, now feels he can take it easy and tell us all the things he has bin thinkin' about in any order. Anything might have tumbled out of his mouth at any moment, accompa- nied by that merry folksy twinkle in the eye and the little jerk of the head.
Thus in the section of the debate de- voted to Central American affairs, Bugs Bunny was making much of a leaked CIA booklet giving instructions not only on how to murder Sandinista leaders in Nicaragua, but also on how to murder friendly resist- ance leaders and make it look as if the Sandinistas had done it. Well, Hopalong did not know much about that — he had issued a Presidential directive that nothing unethical was to be done — but he was enquiring into the matter. It was a Presi- dent's job to know these things, said Mondale, trying to look like a fierce bad rabbit. A President must be tough and smart. This was definitely' one of his five statements, and every time he said it he blew out his chest and gave a little hop of self-importance. The effect was not only to make him look more fishy and crooked than ever but also strangely terrified — like a rabbit trying to bluff its way out of a close encounter with a fox by roaring like a lion.
Well, said the President, having apparently given some thought to this proposition that he should be tough and smart, while they were on the subject he wanted to make it absolutely clear that he had never said he thought that nuclear missiles, once launched, could be called back. Not only had he never said it, he did not even think it. In fact, he thought it ridiculous. Round one to the President.
Next they came to the question of disarmament. This is a ticklish problem because while most Americans feel that America should be strong, they do not approve of an arms race. 'Strength' and 'arms control' are two mutually contradic- tory cheer-words. Both were very much in favour of both and vying with each other, quite rightly, in their mistrust of the Soviet Union, but Hopalong had been thinking about this one, and he had come up with a sort of idea on the subject.
But seriously, said Hopalong, he had been thinking about this one and he had come up with a sort of idea on the subject. How would it be if they abolished all nuclear weapons? The way to do this, he had decided, was to spend three trillion dollars on anti-missile technology and then give it to the Soviet Union. Wasn't that a good idea? Mondale gulped and searched among his five recorded statements for the one which would be most appropriate to this new development. We must never share our high technology with the Soviet Union, he said. No result. Anti-missile technology meant satellites and Star Wars. 'We must keep the heavens free from war,' he said. Prolonged and tumultuous ap- plause. Round two to Bugs Bunny.
Next Lebanon, where Mondale accused the President of being personally respon- sible for blowing up our boys in the Marines — several hundred of them — and blowing up the American embassy four times. Reagan denied this. A drawn round. Then the senility issue. Bugs Bunny said he was not going to make an issue of this, but the President of the United States had to be tough, hop, smart, skip, and know what was going on, jump. Reagan said: 'I will not make age an issue. I am not going to exploit my opponent's youth and inexperi- ence.' Round four to Hopalong.
Then we had to talk about Armageddon. Did the President think it was round the corner? Hopalong put on his whimsical look. It was a funny thing, but he spent a
certain amount of time with theologians, philosophers, prophets . . . that sort of folk. Some of them were of the opinion that Armageddon was round the corner, others weren't so sure. They discussed these things in a relaxed sort of way. Nothing serious. It was just kinda interest- ing. Round five to Bugs Bunny.
After that a period of waffling. Then suddenly Bugs Bunny realised time was running out. 'If you want a tough Presi- dent, vote for Mondale,' he shouted.
An embarrassed pause. It was the mom- ent for the winding-up speeches. Perhaps Mondale had miscalculated the timing. Now he pressed a button and produced the whole Bugs Bunny tape: 'It will keep us strong . . . long-term vigorous economic growth . . . I will make the best-educated generation in human history . . . Environ- ment: America is not temporary, we are forever . . . fairness . . . discrimination . . . above all, a nation that is strong . . is your President going to take the fateful decision to destroy the human species? If so, the President must know what he must know . . . you must pick a President to avoid the day that God-awful decision must be made . . .
Not a cheer, not a laugh, not a sob. It was awful, awful. Then Hopalong's turn. A, slight hiccup, which nobody seemed to notice, when he must overcome the weak- ness of the last four years. Shomething wrong here, surely. But the message Is clear: economic expansion, freedom, peace, we have them all; one day we must eliminate these nuclear weapons entirely. Then comes the folksy bit. Do you know, one day I was motoring along our beautiful American seaside wondering what people would think about us in a hundred years time . . . I want• to complete the new beginning we started four years ago, Vice President Bush and I . . . Our proudest achievement is that we have met your sons and daughters, we have met the young America . . .
The President has run out of time. He is interrupted in midstream, and gracefully gives way, well-pleased with his perform- ance. The essential difference between these two candidates for the most impor- tant office on earth, as I see it, is not that one is senile but honest, the other crooked but sane. That is the surface difference between them. The essential difference between them is that Hopalong has a touch of fantasy in his make-up, Bugs Bunny has none. Hopalong's fantasy life may be, second-hand and second-rate, derived from long-forgotten Western movies in which he never starred, but it is genuine. Bugs Bunny has no recognisable human characteristics beyond an ability to make a certain noise when the appropriate button is pressed. I would like to think that through all the discussion of who won the debate and who lost, through all the myriad levels of incomprehension at which the issues were judged, that essential dif- ference stood stark and clear.
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