I beg to differ... Cats

Should I even need to make the case in writing that cats are better than dogs? Would either a cat or a dog be interested in what I wrote?

A dog, told he was less good than a cat, would simply believe you. Anything to oblige. "Play crap, boy! Yes. There's a good slobbering idiot. Have a biscuit. No. Yuk. Get that — oh, stop doing that thing with the tongue. What the? Is that shit round your teeth? Oh god..."

A cat, told he was better than a dog, would say: "..."

Yet, let's try.

Consider their relationship to religion. Modern Muslims won't have dogs in the front seats of their cars. The ancient Egyptians worshipped cats.

Consider their relationship to infanticide. If a dog kills your baby, it will chew its face off. If a cat does so, it will do so silently, as if accidentally, by lying on it while it sleeps.

Consider the matter in the form of a Socratic dialogue.

Girlfriend: "The cat's drinking out of your glass of water!"

Author: "Cute, isn't it?"

Girlfriend: "But that's disgusting." Author: "No it isn't. We share everything."

Girlfriend: "But the cat licks its own bottom."

Author: "But look how clean the cat's bottom is."

Ex-Girlfriend: "..."

A cat licks its own bottom. A dog licks the bottoms of others.

A cat asks. A dog begs.

A cat borrows. A dog steals.

A cat hides its poo. A dog eats its poo. A cat kills mice. A dog kills children. A cat cleans itself fastidiously. A dog jumps into the pond and then lies on the sofa.

A cat will jump up and sleep on the end of your bed. A dog will also jump up and sleep on the end of your bed.

A cat is an associate. A dog is a slave.

A cat respects solitude. A dog respects sausages.

A cat is capable of embarrassment. A dog is an embarrassment.

To return to my initial question: why conduct this argument in writing? Dogs can't read, and cats choose not to..

Sam Leith