Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Good news at last. Dezzy and Paddy (sorry, Mr Swayne and Mr McLoughlin) have successfully identified the traitors who are calling for a vote of no confidence in Dave.
When you look down the list it's clear that we are dealing with some extremely vulnerable people.
Sherwood our lifestyle guru has recommended aromatherapy massage, acupuncture and possibly re-birthing. Says if we'd paid sufficient attention to Quentin Davies's unhealed chakra centres, he would never have crossed the floor. 'How many more must suffer before you realise that trad rightwingers are just flesh and blood, and need to be stroked?' Nigel says it all sounds a bit iffy. 'There are people on that list I wouldn't stroke if they were covered in velvet.'
Less positively, have had to suspend my Boris Merchandise Unit. Apparently there's some suggestion that there's a contest going on for the Tory candidacy — ha! — and until The Bozmeister wins it we are not to assume he's our candidate for Mayor. Talk about picky. Might commission a few 'Save Dave' badges instead, just in case.
Down in the polls again. It's just such a tragedy that Mr Maude is not around to see it!
TUESDAY Huge struggle getting Dave to Rwanda. Everyone's head aching after gruelling two hour 'Circle Squaring Workshop'.
In the end we came up with a compassionate narrative linking the floods in Oxfordshire with poverty in sub-Saharan Africa. It was pretty convoluted, and Dave had to be talked through the science of it about ten times.
Lord A was most unhelpful and kept sticking his head round door to tell us that the last time he looked, Kigali wasn't on his list of marginals Well, hello — obviously!
He just doesn't understand what we're up against: how would he like to deal with phone calls from Mr Mitchell standing on the roof of a one-storey school he's just built, threatening to jump off if Dave doesn't get on the plane. Last thing we need is a frontbencher with a twisted anlde.
WEDNESDAY Mood v tense. It's Dave's big speech to the 1922 tonight and no one knows what reception he's going to get. Des and Paddy doing lot of 'stroking', as directed by Sherwood, but I don't think they're any good at it. Some of the MPs on their 'fic' list have put in formal complaints, and say they are now even more minded to defect.
Nigel says the most chilling thing is that the Cornerstone Group has gone quiet Says it's the calm before the storm of angry demands for the age of consent for homosexuals to be raised.
Many other strange happenings Poppy says she walked in on DD polishing the ice pick he keeps in the corner of his office. Everyone knows deep down what that means.
THURSDAY Most irritating. The Other Candidates in the mayoral 'contest' keep calling up to ask for campaign materials.
I've got better things to think about, namely putting the merchandise order in. I know we are a million miles away, but imagine if we were suddenly landed in a leadership contest only to realise we'd run out of I V DC stickers. I, for one, simply won't let that happen.
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