DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Hats off to the Major government — it’s not easy managing sleaze. Putting out endless statements explaining why some MP or other isn’t on the take. The reasons are so complicated. Plus it takes ages to calm them down. They ring in on the Helpline practically hysterical. Had one this morning. ‘Have you any idea how much money I could be fiddling? I haven’t put through a genuinely fraudulent expense claim for two years, and what thanks do I get? My local paper exposing me for claiming an iPod, that’s what. It’s a disgrace! I need that iPod for urgent constituency relaxation business. What’s David going to do about it? Hmm?’ Told him to stay calm and follow the instructions on the Sleaze Management PDF.
Mrs Spelperson is even worse. Spends all her time trying to work out who’s briefing against her. As Gary says, it would be easier if she tried to work out who wasn’t. We’re all at it! But everyone has their own way of doing things, and Mrs S likes to think positively. That’s what makes her such a stalwart. Even if she is totally useless. (Not for much longer, though — if you get my meaning!) Off to Dave’s press conference on the NHS. He’s going head to head with Miliband on Zimbabwe. This is serious stuff. Fingers crossed until the viewing figures come in...
TUESDAY What on earth has happened to Mr Grieve’s ego? It used to be tiny, now it’s gone all DD-sized. Going around telling everyone he’s a modern-day Sherlock Holmes who solves crimes and single-handedly puts criminals behind bars! Nigel says it’s the curse of shadow home secretaries. Everyone who does the job goes bonkers. Or maybe there’s something in the air in DD’s old office. Pheromones?
Mind you, it’s jolly useful in a way. He found my Pony Club pencil after just an hour and a half of moving furniture about. It was down the back of the Sleaze filing cabinet. Now everyone’s asking him to find things. We email him details of the lost item and he gets straight onto it. So far he has a 100 per cent clear-up rate. Tom says he’d probably be able to locate a copy of Lord A’s tax return if we dared ask him. But of course we don’t. Some stones are better left unturned.
WEDNESDAY Bit of trouble transcribing the tape of Mr Hague dictating another action plan for Zimbabwe. My script says: ‘Wan, tell Errrrrobert Mugabe we are really keross with him. Two, tell South Africa we are eeee specially keross with them. Mmmmmm. That’s right. Thurree, pree-pare an international rescue perogramme... ’ Asked why all our plans have five points. Mr Hague didn’t seem to know. ‘Mmmmmm? They have f-ive points because that’s how many points they need to have! There is no con... spiracy.’ But Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, said the use of five was arrived at using £100,000 of dial technology focus grouping. I knew it!
Off to Henley for an exciting croquet photo-op with the candidate. Thank goodness this is the last by-election we have to think about. I mean, apart from the very important one in Haltemprice, obviously.
THURSDAY Mr Grieve hanging round my desk again, trying to look cool by flicking his hair. ‘See you’ve got your Pony Club pencil in its holder. Probably a good idea. So, do you like my new shoot-to-kill policy on yobs? Exciting stuff eh? Grrrrrr!’ I should never have told him Pret a Manger had named a sandwich after him. It was a terrible mistake. I see that now.
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