28 MARCH 1970, Page 26


No. 598: Name dropping Set by J. M. Crooks: In a recent speech, Sir Keith Joseph said that the Government was trying to 'Bennboozle' the country. There must be other equally useful additions to be made to our political vocabulary. Com- petitors are invited to supply their own coinages, plus full dictionary definitions and illustrative examples of their use. Entries. marked 'Competition No. 598', by 10 April. (Note: In last week's competition the maximum length should have been given a% 100 words, and not as misprinted, 10 words.)

No. 595: The winners

Trevor Grove reports: Mr Peter Hordern. MP, recently pointed out that 'It is a ridiculous situation when the Minister responsible for civil aviation is also the Minister responsible for aircraft noise-01 foi preventing it, better said. Competitors

were invited to submit extracts from the kind of fierce exchange of memoranda that the unfortunate Minister (or any other public figure in a similarly delicate position) might be required to conduct with himself in the course of his conflicting duties. Alas, Ministry prose flourished unchecked and largely unchallenged—as in W. F. N. Watson's entry: To Agriculture Dept MM of Ag and Fish. The Minister requires earliest info regarding carrion crows' death due to eating CK4- poisoned osprey. R. K. Bloggs for Minister Ag and Fish.

Fisheries Dept Min of Ag and Fish. The Minister declines accept responsibility for osprey's death. Its stomach filled with CK4- contaminated herrings. Please explain. R. K. Bloggs for Minister . .

And so on. A guinea to Lt Col Watson and three to E. D. Parrott for a more original notion: Chairman Mao: In speech, your thought deviated from my Thoughts. Demand public retraction. State Author Mao State Author Mao: Alter Thoughts to agree with speech. Refusal will mean you are reac- tionary fascistic hyena. Chairman Mao Chairman Mao: Thoughts is sacrosanct. Those ordering alteration are counter- revolutionary jackals in pay of USA.

State Author Mao Former State Author Mao: Thoughts are being amended to agree with speech. Secret police and period corrective rehabilitation to follow. Chairman Mao Honoured State Author Mao: Thoughts discrepancy traced to error by subversive deviationist printer in pay Western democracies. Despatched him and his entire village to Salt Mines of Red Happiness. Report for hospitalisation and de-am- putation of hands and feet. Award you Order of Glorious Revolution (First Class).

Chairman Mao Finally, mentions to R. A. Dutton, Margaret Cash, Bruce Boyle and Vera Telfer, and the last three guineas go to Adam Khan—who tells me that years ago he ac- tually was Adjutant, Quartermaster and Chief Instructor of a military Instructor- Training unit: King-Emperor's Birthday Parade Rehearsal 1000 hrs 6 Jun 19-. Staff and Students parade Unit Lines 0800 hrs. March off 0845 hrs. sgd. A Khan, Capt. Adjt.

Adjt. 0900 hrs 6 Jun Hygiene Inspection of Unit by Asst. Director Army Hygiene. A. Khan. QM

QM ADAH inspection anti-malarial only. Mosquito nets will be left hanging. Personnel not req. A.K. Adjt.

Adjt. ADAH'S instructions QM will attend Hygiene Inspections. A.K. QM

QM Goc's instructions Adjt. will attend reheatsal. Quartermaster-Jemadar FazI Haq will attend ADAH. A.K. Adjt.

Adjt. Quartermaster-Jemadar is non- English-speaking. Can't Subadar-Major Ram Singh do Birthday Parade rehearsal? A.K. QM QM Subadar-Major non-English-speaking too. Sergeant-Instructor Jones will attend Quartermaster-Jemadar attending ADAH. will endeavour square ADAH. A.K. Adjt. Adjt. and QM Sgt-Instr Jones's duties are solely instructional. He may not be taken for administrative duties. sgd. A. Khan, Capt. Chief Instructor