No. 1267: The winners

for extracts from startlingly reverse history and him.

Hitler the reluctant puppet, Hitler the queer, Hitler the Russian mole, Hitler the passionate convert to cricket ('Discussion Sir Ambassador Henderson. All Cricket- gebrCider), Hitler the father of a Liver- pudlian bastard adopted by a family called Thatcher, Hitler the gourmet (`It's months since I ate a decent haggis') .. • you dream- ed up every scenario barring one: der Fiihrer as a woman. The Bunker ramblings were among the best: 'Rudi the Robin came tapping as if to say "Where are my crumbs?" The match splint has held his leg well so that it's nearly healed' (George Moor) and D. W. Wall's final entry: 'I think tomorrow will be a good day.' Prizes of £10 apiece go to the inventions printed below, one of which came with a most plausible, handmade Official Seal of Authenticity from Dacre Enterprises Ltd. April 12th, 1945: Violent argument with Eva and Goebbels. G. advocates a deal with the Russians, but Eva and I underline their untrustworthiness and favour taking the Americans up on their of- fer before it's too late. Eva points out the ineffi- ciency of state-run Publishing and describes the poor quality paper and binding of Russian books. Decide to sleep on it. Bombing much im- proved. Tomorrow 1 shall start repainting the bunker.

April 13th: Goebbels opens Two Diamonds on 11 points again. Jesus Christ, am I surrounded by idiots? After lunch a runner brings improved American offer, $100,000 advance, 15 per cent royalty, Skivertex binding. Goebbels says hold out for leather. Recently I have begun to ques- tion his judgment, especially his advice to write smaller at the end of each line to add 'authen- tioned after the war. 'authen- ticity'. He is stockpiling petrol, says it will be ra- tioned after 14: The Russians are sending a Major Khrushchev to negotiate. Still no word from Macmillans.

(John Buckingham) Tonight I feel that a great weight has been lifted from my mind. I have entrusted the manuscript of my memoir, Young Adolf, to an obscure Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked Hitler's diaries which received ideas about English POW, Private Basil Bainbridge, and he has promised that it will be left to his daughter Beryl, now little more than an infant, with in- structions not to open it until 1975. So my secret Liverpudlophilia is safe from the German people for 30 years! By that time my beloved Liverpool, with its brawny dockers, its exotic harlots and its inimitable 'Scousers', will be a noble and long- standing part of the Reich, and no one will find my youthful experiences in-that wonderful city odd or laughable. Goebbels tries to tell me that Churchill is known to have similarly secreted a moving-picture script, coincidentally called Young Winston, but I am sure he is making this up.

(Peter Norman) 22 June 1941: After Mass, walked back to Wolfsschanze, where I found note from Winston, together with box of fine Havanas & bottle of cognac. Winston v. excited about Bar- barossa & asks me to send him souvenirs. Inva- sion going well. Goebbels v. drunk & rabbiting on about downfall of Bolshevism etc. He is a fool.

5 July: Call from Pius XII asking how conver- sion of Russia is getting on. Was able to give him good news. Winston's promised RAF squadron has not appeared yet, which is annoying. To bed, read A Kempis & smoked till early hours.

8 July.' Armies still advancing. Bored. Drunk.

6 Dec: FDR asks me to cure US unemployment by attacking him. Alas! Too much on my hands at the moment, so I referred him to Hirohito. Tired. Listened to Tommy Handley on BBC before turning in.

1 Jan. 1942: Arm shaking. Will lay off schnapps. (Jeremy Bevan) Monday: Reading Death in Venice. Interesting. Tuesday: Getting on well with Death in Venice. A remarkable book. Check with Kesselring tell him not to blow the place up till I've finished. Wednesday: A disappointing day. I have got to the end of Death in Venice and I must say it is a pity that the 'hero' turns out to be a sexual pervert! Tell Kesselring to blow up Venice.

Thursday: Kesselring (whom I respect) offers various reasons for not blowing up Venice. He isn't there, the houses are separated by water, etc. I trust his professional judgment. The author Thomas Mann should be able to help here, but apparently the Swiss in their usual stuffy fashion are refusing to release him.

Friday: THE DUKE OF WINDSOR has telephoned! He shares my interest in the works of Thomas Mann, and urges me to preserve Venice. I told him okay, and have instructed Kesselring accor- dingly.

(Roger Jeffreys) 1.4.1935: Restless night worrying about cares of state. Tried to relax by reading but discovered that I had had all the books burnt.

1.4.1937: Awoke with a stiff arm and a sore throat after rally. Himmler took me to see Lohengrin in the evening. Very gloomy stuff, I much prefer the Marx brothers.

1.4.1938: Visit London to see Chamberlain. Lun- ched at Bloom's, while I assured him that I did not wish war with Britain so long as he could guarantee any sons of mine a place at Eton. Neville felt he could arrange this.

1.4.1949: I find life in Torquay very quiet; apart from the British Legion there is little to amuse me. Eva wants us to move to Eastbourne, as she feels we will meet a better class of person there.

(Tom Cochrane)