A Masterly Retreat
By J. C. MASTERMAN 4FT1HEREFORE,' said the middle-aged Don, 'I I maintain that there is no sharp cleavage be- tween the man of thought and the man of action, or, if you prefer, between the thinker and the practical man. In all the affairs of life, important or unimportant, the man of trained intelligence is more apt than his fellows to take the right decision and to act effectively.'
There was a chorus of dissent, for, during our fortnight's tour, the Don, in spite of his in- tellectual eminence, had contributed nothing of practical ability. Though he spoke German fluently he had ,never condescended to inquire the way from local inhabitants or to take any part m the negotiations for hotel rooms or meals, and he had firmly refused even to verify the results of our study of railway time-tables. Only when we chose our wine in the evening did he sometimes intervene with a majestic veto.
It was the spring of 1914; I had been in Ger- many for six months, and the Don, with two third- year undergraduates, had joined me for an Easter holiday; we had visited the Titisee and climbed the Feldberg, seen the falls of the Rhine at Schaffhausen and the ruins of Hohenstaufen. On the day of which I write we had reached Stuttgart and booked our rooms at a modest hostelry— 'But,' said the Don,' 'we will dine at the Hotel Marquardt, for it was there that the final session of the Frankfurt Parliament was held in 1849, and it is still, I believe, a great hotel. One of you will go and engage a ,table.'
I remember, for I was young, feeling some embarrassment when, having put our coats in the cloakroom, we entered the dining-room, for there happened to be a guest singer of repute at the Opera House and the Hotel Marquardt seemed to be almost filled with ladies in evening dress and officers in uniform. But the dinner was good, the wine better, and our conversation was soon argumentative and lively. It was not until the end of dinner that the disaster occurred. A tall ice, frozen very hard, in the form of a slender pyramid, rounded at the apex, was proffered to us, and by chance first of all to the more muscular of the two undergraduates. Talking all the time he sawed fiercely at its top with a rather blunt knife without much effect— until suddenly the top flew off towards the ad- jacent table, where two officers and two ladies were sitting. It struck one of the ladies full on the back of her bare neck.
When a portion of ice about the size of a golf ball hits a lady at the dinner table upon the backbone her reaction is instantaneous and pre- dictable. She emitted a piercing scream, .her muscles contracted, both shoulder-blades moved back and the ice disappeared within her dress. In a moment of crisis thoughts flash through the mind with the celerity of light. A very young waiter, twisting his napkin into a sort of spear, was attempting to thrust it down the lady's back to retrieve the ice. I realised that he was too late, and at the same time I realised that the two officers were indubitably Prussians of threatening mien and carrying on their cropped heads and scarred cheeks the proof that they had in their student days belonged to a fighting corps. I realised, too, that neither of the undergraduates had more than a rudimentary command of German. As for the Don, I heard a throaty chuckle and a murmured 'Facilis descensus A verno' as the ice slipped down the lady's back; clearly there was no help to be had froth him. Like it or not, I was compelled to attempt apology and reconciliation.
One of the officers, the other lady and two waiters were leading or carrying the victim towards the door of the dining-room which led to the ladies' cioakroom—the remaining officer stood towering over me. I Was reasonably proud of my knowledge of German, but it proved quite inadequate, for indeed I had too many things to explain at the same time. I tried to tell him that the unfortunate occurrence was the purest acci- dent; that I was in no way myself responsible for it; that the ice was much too hard; that my friend would have been the first to apologise himself but for the fact that he, being an Englishman for the first time in Germany, was unable to express his deep distress. I succeeded only in convincing the officer that we were all English, and that fact in the spring of 1914 did not appear to do any- thing to pacify this angry man. In a torrent of words he scarified my gross and insulting be- haviour, typical in his opinion of my fellow- countrymen. But, he roared, I should know that foreigners in Germany, however disreputable, were still satisfaktionsfahig and full satisfaction he would certainly demand. It was a new word to me, and an ominous one. Whether the choice of swords or pistols would have given me the better chance of survival. I was uncertain; in either case I seemed to be facing an almost hopeless dawn.
Fortunately, and none too soon, there came a diversion. Renewed screams from the direction of the ladies' cloakroom—indicating perhaps that the last remnant of the ice had been located or was being removed—caused my adversary to hurry out of the room to see if his assistance was needed. I looked wildly round and saw my com- panions beckoning to me urgently from the door by which the waiters entered the dining-room. The Don, without either haste or waste of time, was handing to the head waiter some notes which seemed to give him lively satisfaction; our coats had been collected as though by magic from the cloakroom and were thrust into our hands; we were led through the back part of the hotel into the safety of the street.
'I still maintain,' said the Don, 'that your in- tellectual, your man of trained intelligence, is better equipped to meet a crisis than your so- called "practical man." Staff work is not the function of the regimental officer.' This time I did not feel called upon to contradict him. And, after all, 1 had added another word to my German vocabulary.
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