When I grow up
Jeffrey Bernard
Entries to our Schools Essay Prize are still coming in. We have weeded out two which have no chance of winning.
J. Bernard, Form III B, 7 June, 1944 Where I live
I live with my mother sister and brother at 19 Landsdowne Walk, Holland Park. I have another brother but he is in Canada learning to fly. It is a nice house that has three floors and a basement where we sit in the air raids. There is a garden with a summer house that I parshallY burnt down and opposite us there are two air raid shelters on the pavement that my mother says make her eyes sore. She told me not to go in them but I have seen people go in when there is no air raid on. I did go in once and it was drak and smelly. My mother sometimes has friends in for drinks. They are usually in the theatre or singing and they laugh a lot and smoke a lot and they smell of sherry. I hate it when they make me sing '0 for the wing of a dove' sometimes they give me 2/6d which is good for buying Dinky Toys. There are shops at the end of Clarendon Road where I have to go on errands. The shopkeepers are horrible. Mr Deverson who sell papers has hair coming out of his nose and ears and won't sell me cigarettes. There is a pub called The Castle and one day I'm going to go in it. There is not anyone to play with in Holland Park so I play with myself. I collect schrapnel and bomb splinters and roller skate up Lansdowne Walk to see an old man. He can't move and he sits in a chair by the window and talks to me He is nice but quite silly. He says I look sad and sometimes a maid comes out and gives me a shilling which is six Mars Bars. My sister stays in her room quite a lot and my brother doesn't say much and comes home late. My mother says they are going through fases. I had a fase of matches and burnt down Landsdowne Gardens last holidays. The grass was dry and it spread and the fire engines came and the firemen said it was lucky they had just taken the barrage balloon away.
Near us there is a fireman who plays the harpsichord. He takes me where he lives and sometimes he shows me a book that has pictures of nude ladies in it. I think he is a bit silly and he is always swetting. We have American officers staying with us sometimes when my mother lets them a room. She says they are beneath her but they are on the top floor. Anyway, one of them wet the bed more than me but we did not know till he left. The thing 1 like about the war is that it has made a lot of houses near us empty. I smoke in them and like Park Drive. Mrs Jenkins who has the dairy in Portland Road says its a trajedy and her husband keeps saying there's a war on. Dr Kellogh who drinks whisky says her mustache is a trajedy. He is quite fun and a bit naughty. Lots of the man in Holland Park like him laugh a lot when they are with my mother having sherry. But when they have gone my mother frowns and says they are contemptible. She is rather grand.
She went to get the rations one day last holidays and came back with a Dresden candle-stick instead. She put it on the piano and sang Mahler which was a bit embarrassing. A friend of hers who paints in the theatre sometimes plays Wagner for her on the piano. [like him but my mother says he is penniless. He can't be though because sometimes he gives me 6d. A place I am not allowed to go to is Portabello Road which my mother says is very rough but I think my brother goes there with Lucien Freud. Holland Park must be quite nice for them. I wish it was for me.
J. Bernard, Form IVA, 1July, 1945 What! want to be
When I leave school I would like to be a marine engineer, an architect or a doctor or a solicitor. Another thing I would like to be is a theatre agent like Mr Ravelli who my mother knows. I have always liked steam engines and think they are very exciting and good to look at. Ships engines are the best and most exciting, and I would very much like to be in charge of a quadruple expansion
steam engine. I like the uniform a lot and engineers have purple between the braid. Also in the Merchant Navy you go to interesting places and meet interesting foreign people. Eventually, I would like to marry a Wren. Another thing about engines is the smell of the steam and oil which is exciting.
If I can't get into the Nautical College, Pangbourne, then I would quite like to be a doctor. This is a good thing to be because you are always helping other people and r would like wearing pin striped suits like they do. They do a lot for humanity and my mother says they make a lot of money too. Operating must be very interesting, especially when it goes on for a long time. MY brother has mastoids which took three hours. [saw Bette Davies have her eyesight saved during the holidays which was nice and Paul Muni discovering rabies. Also I think dying must be quite interesting, although it must be rotten. You don't know what's going to happen and that's pretty interesting. Examining people must be interesting too although I expect its embarrassing to start with if they're ladies. Eventually I would like to marry a nurse.
If I couldn't pass the exams to be a doctor I would quite like to be like Mr Ravelli. He seems to have a nice life. My mother took me behind the stage with him and he knows nearly everybody. I think it must be very pleasant to know actors and singers because they are more fun than office people. They are a bit noisy but the ladies in my mother's dressing room are very pretty. Mr Ravelli wears a fur coat and a big hat and smokes cheroots. He said he had lunch once with my father and Caruso so he meets interesting people as well as the music which is good. Eventually I would like to marry someone like Madame Butterfly without making her kill herself.
Solicitors are very clever the way they get people into trouble. My mother says theY are the bane of her life which I think IS probably bad but they do good in courts. I saw Charles Laughton saving someones life last holidays from being hanged in court. Some of the people in courts are emminent which must be nice and I would like to make speeches which save people. I would onlY take very serious cases if I was in court like Crippen. Also I would like to send Mr Deverson our newsagent to prison. Eventually I would like to marry a client in distress like Joan Crawford.
Mr Melvyn Bragg
In last week's issue Jeffrey Bernard, in a humorous article, made allegations which, if taken literally, would imply that Mr Bragg had improperly exploited his position as a broadcaster. We accept unreservedly that Mr Bragg has never so acted. We now appreciate that the references to Mr Bragg could be so read, although this was never intended, and that they were offensive and defamatory. We therefore apologise to Mr Bragg for any distress or inconvenience which he has been caused.
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