YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. Until recently I was a freelance classical musician, but now I am fortunate to have found full-time permanent employment in an opera orchestra. On descending the escalator at my local Tube station on Christmas Eve I was horrified to notice that I was travelling unavoidably towards an erstwhile female colleague, who was scanti- ly clad and busking carols on her violin. When I reached her, she cheerily informed me that the previous male passer-by had importuned her. Hugely embarrassed, I mumbled a perfunctory seasonal remark and tossed £1 into her violin case before hurrying away. Have you any advice on how I might best conduct myself in future, when confronted by similarly brazen former col- leagues who are down on their luck?
Name and address withheld A. There should be no need to be embar- rassed. In future, nod matily as you throw a casual coin into their hat saying, 'Good luck to you. I hardly made any money when I did some busking a couple of weeks ago.' Then blend quickly into the anonymous Cl'owd.
Q. From time to time I have flowers sent to Me. I never know what to do in the case of receiving flowers that are certainly past their use-by date. I don't want to sound ungracious, but neither do I think a florist should get away with sending lilies Christmas, always expensive at that time year, with brown-edged petals. VS., Wellington, New Zealand A. The solution is to telephone the florist responsible and request in no-nonsense tones that a fresh bunch be delivered so • that you can avoid the nuisance of having to report them to their local chamber of commerce. On receipt of the more desir- able bouquet you will be in a position to issue a sincere message of gratitude to the well-wisher who had trustingly financed the original consignment.
Q. I teach English in a small town near Turin, where the way of life is extremely agreeable. But a problem has recently sprung up which is compromising my enjoy- ment. Some time ago, to illustrate the arcana of public-school life, and drawing on at of my own experience, I split the class in two to simulate the 'hot', or scrimmage, in Winch- ester College football. It was a great, if bois- terous, success. Afterwards, as is normal, I wrote to the editor of the Wykehamist to record the event. He duly published the let- ter. The father (a local nobleman) of one of my pupils, who invites me frequently to Sun- day lunch, was greatly amused. He now insists that I organise a hot every time I visit him and that I write to the Wykehamist to record it. I am reluctant to put him off as I have my eye on his daughter. Yet the hots are ghastly as the nobleman uses them to take an unnecessarily physical grip on parts of my body, and the situation is becoming awkward vis a vis the Wykehamist. What can I do?
D.S., Piedmont, Italy A. Illustrate the arcana of public-school life once more by inventing a letter from the editor of the Wykehamist letters page, pointing out that while he is fascinated to hear of these continued Italian experiments with the hot, it is not really in the spirit of the game for it to be played more than once a term, and that he suggests that you follow this ancient public-school tradition even though you are now in Turin. A direct appeal to the editor to actually supply you with such a letter might well succeed on humanitarian grounds.
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