Your Problems Solved
Dear Maly Q. What is the etiquette regarding bowing or curtseying to Prince and Princess Michael of Kent? Last week I attended the memorial for Isabella Blow in the Guards Chapel. It was a magnificent occasion, but emotionally draining, and I was just collecting myself when suddenly the royal couple passed by, leading the mourners out of the chapel. Had I known they were present at the service, I would have been prepared to follow the lead of others and do the correct thing, but I was in the very back row and looking in the wrong direction so it was too late to do anything at all. I would not wish to have given offence. Had I been prepared, what should I have done? I am a 31-year-old male.
K.J., London W12 A. It would have been courteous for you to have performed the Coburg bow — that is just bowing discreetly from the neck — but it would not have been expected. Their Royal Highnesses are cousins of Her Majesty the Queen. Your bowing to them, therefore, indicates your respect for our sovereign. It is sensible to seize the few opportunities you will be offered to do this. Bowing and curtseying is also helpful to others in a social gathering. As people can be seen to be dropping down like a pack of cards, it signals that a member of the royal family is approaching. Those who are too gauche or chippy to follow suit still generally want to be alerted so they do not miss out on having a jolly good stare.
Q. Last week I visited Trebetherick in Cornwall and struck out on the coastal walk to Pentire Point. So many other people had the same idea that when it came to the conclusion of the walk, there was a small queue building up to approach the Point itself. This is a small knuckle of rocks, allowing a vantage point, which can only comfortably support three people, to take in the 3600 views including the Rumps. What is the correct amount of time one should occupy such an eyrie, following a somewhat demanding walk, when one is aware that others, who have been straggling along the coastline behind one, are quite naturally delaying their final assault to wait for the eyrie to be vacated?
G.W., Beaumaris, Anglesey, Wales A. You should occupy the eyrie for around one minute on bank holidays, two minutes for the rest of the good weather seasons and perhaps as many as three during winter when the ranks of fellow solitude seekers are greatly diminished.
Q. I have a dear friend, a dear bumbling fool of the old school who occasionally is driven to use the services of a prostitute. In the past he has always found them by looking out for immodestly dressed women who are standing in the street smoking with one foot against a wall. Now that so many of these women are, in fact, lawyers who are just having a smoking break outside their office, I am concerned that he might get into serious trouble. How should I advise him?
P.R., London 5W3 A. Your friend should carry his own packet of cigarettes and approach the smoker he fancies to ask only for a light. If she is a prostitute, she will immediately extinguish her half-smoked fag and proposition him. If not, en route to his goal, he can still enjoy the camaraderie of chatting among the temporary communities of smokers which have sprung up all over the streets.
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