COMPETITION

Very short story

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1823 you were invited to write a very short story (max- imum 250 words) in which the last sentence contains the phrase, 'the art of losing isn't hard to master'.

The phrase in question was quoted to me by P.J. Kavanagh, who heard it on the radio, but with no mention of source. I believe (and so does his son) that it is William Empson's, a line from a villanelle. Great line though it is, it didn't inspire you to great heights. I enjoyed David Heaton's "You're a pretty good loser," I said. "The art of losing isn't hard to master especially when you own the first two horses," Lee Kim replied.' And I shuddered pleasurably at K.G. McBeath's trick: 'While copying an obscure Sung daub, I mused, "Verily, the art of Lo Sing isn't hard to master."

The prizewinners, printed below, take £30 each, and the bonus bottle of Drum- mond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to a newcomer, Jenny Ogilvie. Michelangelo winced and laid down his brush. 'For me,' he sighed, 'the loss of mastery in art is very hard.'

His long fingers, the knuckles swollen, began to clean his palette. Antonino's gaze flickered: a chill Roman draught curled round his goose- pimpled form, and he risked reaching for his cloak.

The old master nodded. 'I am very sorry, Tonino,' he smiled, sadly, 'I forgot it was winter.' He poured the young man a tankard of wine, heated with a poker from the fire.

'This is my last fresco,' he murmured.

'Oh, surely not,' the shivering model pro- tested, gulping down the hot wine.

Marco, the best pupil, chimed in. 'The loss of an art-master at this stage would prove im- mensely hard for me,' he pleaded. 'Can you not at least complete the section with Tonino in, and I will try to do the rest?' The maestro shook his head sadly. 'It is no good,' he shrugged. 'God has decreed retire- ment: I have lost my mastery of art through hardened arteries. See how the brush slips from my hand.'

The pupil and the model stood downcast, confronting that hard task-master, Time.

Michelangelo smiled. 'Come, come,' he said. 'Marco, I've taught you everything I know, and, Tonino, your body is immortalised throughout all Italy. It's time to move on . . a switch to architecture will avert disaster, and prove that the art of losing isn't hard to master.'

(Jenny Ogilvie) 'The imp of the perverse', Poe called it, the contrariwise impulse:Even as a child, I looked at Great British Heroes in a way not everyone understood. Scott failed to reach the South Pole first. A tragedy? No – for me an inspiration. Not getting it right had a fatal attraction.

I stopped short of suicidal failure myself, of course. No point in failing if you couldn't be around to admire the result. Maturing, I de- veloped more instructive role models: the man who turned down the Beatles, Clive Sinclair in C5 mode, Eddie the Eagle, Graham Taylor.

But the trouble was, all in some Way seemed

to become celebrities or successes. Total igno- miny was hard to find. In the end, I chose to author a novel that no one would ever wish to publish. The content was adolescent raving, shallow, tedious and filthy, not even original. To make sure, I added pallid characterisation, absurdly improbable scenes, and a broken- backed structure. The style was barely literate. It bored and sickened even me, but I got it written.

Of course I had to test it, to have my ineptitude objectively confirmed. You can't cherish failure in private. The typescript duly went off to an agent.

I suppose you can guess the rest: the media circus, the fat bank account, the Booker Prize. There's no justice. And you're wrong if you think that the art of losing isn't hard to master.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

I am watching the noble art in the Garden when I run into my equine associate Spats Milligan, who tells me that I am liable to make good potatoes by placing my billfold on a fighter called Rockjaw O'Reilly. Since Spats is at this time handling Slugger Smith, who is Rockjaw's adversary, I figure that this intelligence may prove sound. However, I do not act on this advice since I have many times found that moolah gained in this way leads to interviews of a hostile nature. Also, since Pizza Charlie has

recently put the bite on me, the content of my billfold is nix.

When the action commences, it is soon clear that a breakdown of communications has occur- red, for neither of these two fighters is anxious to give the other any opportunity to become unconscious. In fact, they look like two English- men I once saw trying to go through a revolving door. This continues for three rounds, until Slugger appears likely to pop his cork and do Rockjaw some injury.

At this I see Spats move with unusual rapidity and whisper in his boy's ear. At the bell, Slugger comes out and lands a blow to Rockjaw's groin that brings more tears to the eyes of the onlookers than the Lindbergh kidnapping.

'The art of losing is not hard to master,' says Spats to me as his boy is booed up the gangway, 'but if the other guy is not trying either, creative advice may be necessary.'

(Noel Petty)