COMPETITION

Lexicography

Torn Castro

In Competition No. 1529 you were asked to give definitions along the lines of Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary, re- flecting our own times. .J. B. Morton played this game too, as With: no exit: A sign indicating the most convenient way out of a building; Arctic conditions: A cold day in England; anim- als, kindness to: Kindness to nice animals; hard-headed: Any businessman who re- peatedly escapes detection. The exercise allowed you to express your anger with almost every modern aspect of the world, but no one hit the bull with every definition. Those printed below get £2 for each one, and the bonus bottle of Anares Tinto Rioja, kindly presented by Atkinson Baldwin and Co, St Mary's House, 42 Vicarage Crescent, London SW11, goes to Noel Petty.

death: A severely immobilising condition affecting the previous generation, avoidable by Paying proper attention to diet and exercise. holiday: An annual arrangement whereby the citizens of one country temporarily lay down the burden of their stressful lives and are trans- ported to another country where they can subject themselves to severe burns, gastronomic abuse, sexual fatigue etc.

conference: Holiday paid for by an institution.

(Noel Petty)

designer clothes: Garments worn with the manufacturer's label on the outside.

the truth: Exposure of private lives by the tabloid press.

pilger: To express in newspaper or magazine articles opinions which are opposed to those of Mr Auberon Waugh and thus foolish and contemptible.

(Brian Ruth)

renumeration: Re-numbering: but thought by many trade union spokesmen to be toff-speak for wages.

(Robert Baird)

pressure: Lack of time induced by leisure.

(A. D. Gibbons) high-tech: Of any product that costs more to repair than replace.

(W. J. Webster)

fast food: Food the prospect of which induces a desire to fast.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

Aids: A virus with pretensions to morality.

(T. Griffiths)

articulate: Eager to speak about self; aware of all statutory rights, best media channels etc.

enigmatic: Unwilling or too busy to be inter- viewed by journalists; inarticulate; surly.

(D. B. Jenkinson) Wimbledon: Unique retirement annuity for tennis umpires.

(Nicholas Dean) Hospitalese: comfortable: Exceedingly uncomfortable. poorly: Almost dead.

very poorly: Dead. (Graham Dunstan) privatisation: A scheme to improve the per- formance of major British companies by trans- ferring shares in them to the control of the Kuwaiti royal family.

social ownership: A scheme to improve the performance of major British companies by transferring shares in them to the control of Mr Bryan Gould.

(Richard Parlour) farm fresh: Food that was fresh when it left the farm a long time ago.

(Maud Gracechurch) socialism: a condition of serfdom where the state runs your life; unlike capitalism, where a private company runs it.

(C. J. Fyffe) racecard: A way to spend £1.50 on one page of a 25p racing daily.

(Nick Thomas) junk: Sixties antiques. (Catherine Benson) credit card: The plastic ponce for a debt debauch.

(Andrew McEvoy) relevant: A world used in theatrical/critical circles to indicate that a classic play or opera has been remodelled to express the ideas of the director rather than those of the creator of the piece. (Jeanne Fielder) British Rail: Late training.

socialism: A way of ensuring Margaret Thatcher stays where she is. (Frank McDonald) cricket: A game reserved, at its upper levels, for the chaste.

(John Sweetman) democratic rule: That which fewer than 80 per cent of Scots are opposed to.

(D. E. Poole) conscience: An inconvenient internal system, the elasticity of which grows with age.

(0. Smith) business entertaining: A painless way for non-opera lovers to jump the queue for Glynde- bourne tickets.

(D. A. Prince) money: What's left when the credit card is exhausted.

(John O'Byrne)