Your Problems Solved Dear Maly Q. I have had a boyf
) ) I .` :11.i SOU] Dear Maly Q. I have had a boyfriend, of whom I am very fond, for some time now. There is, however, one slight problem. On special occasions when he comes to visit my family, he always dons his best pair of shoes of which he is extremely proud. Unfortunately these are not of the gentlemanly variety. They are of a particularly common style and colour and would perhaps better appeal to a Sicilian waiter out on a Sunday jaunt. I thought this would be a matter of little impediment but my boyfriend only has to enter the room for the eyes of all my family to become inexorably transfixed on his shoes. What should I do?
Name and address withheld A. Prepare for your boyfriend's next visit to your family headquarters by laying down a ca/pet of freshly chewed gum, booby-trap style, at the entty point to the house. Install him immediately on arrival on a low sofa with yourself opposite and, as he crosses his legs, ay out in astonishment at the amount of gum adhering to his soles. Insist on instantly taking the shoes to a member of staff who specialises in removing gum, meanwhile handing him a pair of unworn acceptable shoes in his size which 'happen to have been lying around unclaimed'. Should he request the return of his own shoes at any time during his visit, act daft and say that you cannot for the life of you lay your hands on them but he is more than welcome to hang on to the pair he is wearing and you will send the others on to him 'should they ever turn up'.
Q. Around these parts one regularly runs into a particular dinner-party know-all. He speaks about the topics of the day with an air of terrific authority and no one challenges him, but quite apart from him boring people's pants off I sense he is actually quite uninformed, and once or twice have found out too late that some pronouncement of his was quite wrong. Help, Mary! He is due to come to dinner soon and I'd like to arm myself with some solid facts about, say, green issues — dismissing the greenhouse effect is one of his favourite hobby horses.
Name and address withheld A. There has long been a gap in the market for a series of Key Fact booklets along the lines of those used for exam revision but with Dinner Party Topics as their subject. Now you can take advantage of a series of just such, newly published by Pocket Issue. These cover subjects from global warming to the Middle East conflict, and are pithy and short enough to be absorbed in a sitting. They are available through Amazon or can be ordered from Pocket Issue Direct on 01892 837171. Prep yourself by keeping the one on global warming in the downstairs loo to flick through between courses, but don't let the bore find it or your cover will be blown.
Q. In response to your letter from a party host worrying about what music to play — I suggest that when invitations are sent out, guests are asked to RSVP with their two favourite party tunes, ensuring the play list can be arranged before the party and that everybody is happy. Of course, the host has the right to veto whatever they choose!
Name and address withheld A. How kind of you to submit this sensible suggestion which will promote a sense of selfimportance among the guests and thereby increase their enjoyment of the party.
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