SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 52

Report by Thea Holme

A prize of £5 was offered for the views of one of the following on present-day domestic problems: Lady Bracknell, Lady Teazle, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Lady Capulet, Lady Macbeth.

From a number of quite amusing and ingenious entries I found nothing of really outstanding brilliance, so 1 propose to divide the prize into one first (£2 10s.) and two seconds of 25s. each. There was a marked tendency to use up the best ideas too early, and few competitors succeeded in producing an effective ending. In one or two entries, notably the views of Lady Bracknell as expressed by L. E. J., a clever and well-imagined start was marred by the scrambtes1, feeble finish.

The most popular choice in housewives proved, to my surprise, to be Lady Macbeth. But then I had not expected her to air her views in such familiar phrases as, in almost every case, she did. It is always startling to discover how aptly Shakespeare may be quoted on any given subject ; and on consideration I find—despite the inevitable " Out, damned spot " which occurred with monotonous regularity in practically every entry—that in this case quotation has proved the most successful medium. R. Kennard Davis, to whom 1 am awarding first prize, has used it with the most consistent success. The lines he has filched fit neatly and amusingly into the pattern of his scene, whereas in many cases both continuity and meaning have been sacrificed to the apt quotation.

The best attempt at an original speech for Lady Macbeth comes from Miss Gertrude Pitt, who writes in blank verse and produces at least three good lines: The, crown is tarnished. Glamis and Cawdor both, Unpainted, unattended, unmaintained, Fall with our fortunes to their last decay.

I liked the first half of N. M. W.'s scene in a British Restaurant, which starts

Corned thou art, and tasteless ; and shalt be While thou'rt imported.. . .

Lady Capulet and Lady Teazle were unpopular. The former is admittedly difficult, and B. E. Hogan deserves commendation for a reasonably successful, if not particularly imaginative, attempt. I still feel that something could have been done with Lady Teazle ; the entry by A. M. Sayers came nearest to Sheridan, but such a reformed and chastened Lady T. is in danger of being dull.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh was second in popularity. Easily the best attempt was by Mrs. W. M. Mathieson, whose entry is worthy of a prize for the sake of its second paragraph.

It seems to be difficult to achieve a consistently successful parody of Wilde ; epigrams began to flag in each case after the first few lines. There was a brave effort by H. Elam, but the highest level of wit was reached by Allan M. Laing who made a really first-rate start, which wins him a share of the second prize. Unfortunately, he ran out of ideas two-thirds of the way through, and his ending (if he will forgive me) is tame rather than Wilde. FIRST PRIZE (R. KENNARD DAVIS) Lady Macbeth (at the wash-tub): Confusion now bath made his masterpiece !

You murdering Ministers ! Come, let us meet And question this most bloody piece of work !

Give to our tables meat I Nought's had, all's spent !

Our bones are marrowless, our blood is cold.

We have supped full with horrors—maggot-pies And choughs and rooks I The coal you send our fires, Of dire combustion and'confused event, Doth pall us in the dunnest smoke of Hell, Horrible sight For which we do receive Particular addition in the bill !

Next—husbandry in heaven !—the lights are out,

And darkness doth the face of earth entomb-!

Our servants, secret black and midnight hags, On me do thrust their•duties; all our service In every point twicedone, and then done double I Ask I my lord to help me, he rejoins " I dare do all that doth become a man, Who dares do more, is none ! "—Out, damned spot !

What, will this night-gown ne'er be clean ?—Avaunt You Ministers ! You have displaced our mirth With most admired disorder ! Get you gone !

The "Labour " you delight in physics pain

But cannot minister -to a realm diseased

Nor purge it to a sound and pristine health.

Stand not upon the order of your going, But go at once !

SECOND PRIZES

(MRs. W. M. MATHIESON) Lady Catherine de Bourgh presents her compliments to Mr. Collins and requires him, while she is. not in residence, to visit Rosings daily and ascertain if all is well there. She is excessively displeased that she has found it necessary to close the house for lack of servant maids and enjoins Mt-. Collins to make the insubordination of the lower orders, in the village and elsewhere, the subject of a sermon in which he should embody her views.

Lady Catherine is in agreement with the Almighty that the labourer is worthy of his hire ; but without doubt He means the employer to deter- mine the amount of the "hire.'"'` It is clearly the will of the Almighty that great houses like Rosings should be suitably maintained ; otherwise why should He have established so many throughout the country ?

(ALLAN M. LAING) Algernon. But, after all, Aunt Augusta, the Government is doing its best.

Lady Bracknell. Nonsense. No Government ever does its best. The Opposition would not allow it. And quite right, too. A really com- petent Government would be positively revolutionary. But I do expect an approach to mediocrity. 1 had accustomed myself to existing on the wholly inadequate nourishment t allotted to me ; but it appears that further sacrifices are demanded. I am now expected to dine out at least six times a week, so that the servants may have my rations.

Algernon. Oh, well, you can't expect the servants to make sacrifices. Lady Bracknell. Pray, Algernon, do not be childish. I never expect anything of the servants. You know perfectly well they always were our masters. They used to pretend otherwise, and so did we. But now they do not even trouble to pretend. I am allowed, now and then, to -make suggestions to my housekeeper, and I understand they are con- sidered—even voted on—in the servants' quarters. The housekeeper is good enough occasionally to let me know the result.

- Algernon. Well. I must say Lane still keeps up appearances, provided. of course, he is not personally inconvenienced. What do you propose to do about it. Aunt Augusta?

Lady Bracknell. That is what I came to tell you. I propose to become your housekeeper. (She rings for Lane, who enters.) Ah, Lane, your master has fainted. ...