No. 1358: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a lustreless and banal extract from 3 'Middle life' column in this journal.

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It's the hardest problem for the humour ist in the world: to be brilliantly lustreless and interestingly banal. Those who fol" lowed the Pooter line tended to degenerated into petty snobbery and feeble puns, an those who tried to do it 'straight' were s° verisimilitudinous that my face was often bored too stiff to laugh. The average person's daily experiences — ask arlY politely listening wife or husband —don°t make good copy. On your own evidence, 'middle life' seems to take place in Pubs' offices (there were several Bristows repre: sented), supermarkets and se detachelds. Two of you set the scene in Weybridge — how did you know I W8s that. there? There were no extra marks

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The winners are those who made 3 faintly iridescent splash diving into thoe shallows of mediocrity — they get £1 each. The nearest to a prize was Mary AO Moore. The bonus bottle of Vosne née Les Beauxmonts 1980, presented the Chelsea Arts Club, is won by Griffiths.

Yesterday morning as I went out for the milk reflected that I was growing older. One notices this in little ways. Sir Stanley Matthews said oa television only yesterday evening that you carl; not buy time. How true that is. A punk heir,els, said on television that her millions would env " her to That because is also not have to e h arn I have never been able to understand 'Ordin:of ary Language Philosophy', but this sort

should h ordinary re f

philosophy is understandable.

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This morning I dropped a milk bottle. It w spilt milk.

the cat. Cats at least do not cry over give yengeraandfefaetlhinegr etofldseeme eritmy.oney. then'

S usef that one meets rich people who feel insecure7 What a pity philosophers no longer co such questions.nsider

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(T. Griffiths)

It's certainly been galoshes week at Enfield. I bought Harold a pair on Monday. Tuesday they were full of snow on the porch. He would have trussed his train, only it was late. Wednesday the tYPIng pool hid them and everyone had a good laugh. Thursday he forgets them and comes home with his feet soaked. Two aspirin and he all but had me send for the doctor. Friday was certainly a day to remember. Beryl came to tea and stayed and stayed! Then Harold came home and got out his cowslip wine. Of course she rrIPped over them on the porch and if he hadn't caught her round the waist she might have done herself a mischief. It was comic and I ran for my Polaroid and flash. They do have odd looks on thew faces in the print. (Brian Coates)

One of the overflow pipes keeps dribbling and When I mentioned this at the office the DIY exPerts said, 'Your cistern's ballcock has jam- hied. Jiggle it up and down a bit until it becomes flexible.' All week Joanna and I have been standing for what seemed eternities on the rack in the airing cupboard — but to no avail. The Overflow pipe still dribbles. But there has been an Emersonian — or Wordsworthian — com- Pensation. On the spot outside where the dribble descends there is a cushion of sphagnum Toss and what looks like a lady fern — the liveliest bit of the garden, and daily spreading. We are spared the expense of getting in a ,Plulober or jiggling further, and have gained a 'emery,

(George Moor)

When the handle of the potato-peeler snapped, I _made a decision. I would walk Tarquin to Mr Yarnold's hardware store to replace the potato- Peeler, and perhaps search for the pruning saw I needed. Tarquin barked with expectation the .moment I reached for my anorak. The village hardware store was my favourite shop for a variety of reasons, the most important being its Wonderful stock of small, sharp, kitchen knives, !Inch I am quite unable to resist. I have always °eel' a small knife person, and get a tingling Pleasure in cleaving meat quickly, shaving close to the bone, and cleanly excising strips of N'unwanted fat. Besides, old Mr Yarnold's lazy a:st Anglian vowels reminded me of home. His lentil as warming as a bowl of steaming leek and lentil soup, was the perfect antidote to the Chilling east wind.

(Russell Lucas)

At this week's class we were demonstrated the use of the spokeshave. Such a strange name for a tool; what is its origin I wonder? Perhaps a reader can enlighten me. Handy for informal decorative curving round my Kitchen Tidy, which you'll be pleased to hear is nearing completion! It's so wonderfully satisfying, learn- ing how to create with wood, I recommend it to any reader feeling somewhat lacklustre. Espe- cially my fellow females! Incidentally, I hope you're watching the new doctor series. We all need a peek behind the scenes now and then at the dilemmas faced by the healing profession. Of course diet is the big thing nowadays. Chinese cuisine is so easy and wholesome, I must confess I'm a wok addict! You can omit the garlic if you prefer; after all it's readily available in pill form. I'm sure any Spectator reader will agree it's the more fragrant option!

(S. Cassia)