YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. As a London dog-owner, I frequently find myself in the position of waiting alongside my dog while he performs his expurgations in the gutter near my flat in Kensington. Since he is a large dog and the operation often takes some time, I wonder, Mary, if you can advise me: what is the correct facial expression for a dog-owner to wear on such occasions?
A.B., London W8
A. Feasting one's eyes on the orifice in question is incorrect. Instead you should look into the middle distance with an expression of spiritual contemplation. As you do this, finger your plastic bag, in prepa- ration for the clean-up operation, in a way that will attract approval from passers-by.
Q. I recently attended the wedding recep- tion of loved and trusted friends at the Reform Club, but without a wedding pre- sent. This was not because I did not wish to leave them a gift, but because at the moment I am unable to afford a present of the quality they deserve. I hoped they would not notice, and that in the future, when my business picks up, I could surprise and delight them with something befitting their kindness and generosity to me over several years. However, and to my horror, I have received an answerphone message from the groom asking which of the unaccounted-for presents is mine, and so apologising for not
having written to thank me. Has he previ- ously sought advice from you as to the best way to embarrass mean guests? What can I do to maintain this valued friendship?
A.H., London W1
A. While it is true that I have published the answerphone solution for wedding-present chasing in the past, I do not recall handling a recent query from the groom in question. Your solution now is to return the call say- ing, 'I'm so glad you've rung. My mind had gone completely blank about what to get you, so I thought I'd wait until you had opened your presents from everyone else and then ask you what you still wanted.'
Q. I recently experienced some intense frus- tration and wonder what you would have done, had the same thing happened to you, Mary. Chatting to another (richer and grander) mother at my child's school the
other day, I noticed she had three bulging dustbin bags in the back of her Renault Espace. 'Oh yes,' she said, 'I've done a com- plete chuck-out of the children's wardrobes. I'm taking these to the charity shop.' I only just managed to control myself. What I wanted to do was snatch the bags and go through them for upper-class things that would fit my own smaller children before they went to the charity shop. Instead I was struck dumb. What could I have said?
Name and address withheld
A. You could have said, 'Oh, do tell me which shop you're taking them to so I can go in after you and buy them.'
Q. Despite being a very old friend of Nicky Haslam's, I was not invited to his 60th birthday party on Monday night. What are the implications of this snub, and what should I say when I next see Nicky?
Name and address withheld
A. Over the past two weeks a number of anxious readers have submitted this query telephonically. Nicky Haslam replies: `If you're a very old friend of mine, then that explains why you weren't invited. I only had the rich, the young and the glamorous.' He continues defiantly, 'And in any case, how could I possibly have invited you when you withheld your name and address?'
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