Predictions for the Year 1967

POLITICAL COMMENTARY

By ALAN WATKINS

(with acknowledgments to the late Isaac Bickerstaff)

JANUARY. In this Month Mr H. Wilson offers Mr I. Smith of Afrique the Controul of the Army, as Captain-General, for Life and (he being a good Protestant) a Place in the Suc- cession to the Throne; together with other great Favours too numerous to mention; in return for which, Mr Smith to agree, by solemn Treaty, to give the Blackamoors their Freedom by the Year 4000 AD. Upon this ingenious Scheam being rejected out of Hand, Mr Wilson calls Mr Smith a Traitor, surrounded by evil Men, with whom he will have no further Dealings whatsoever. Mr lack Ashley, being anxious for a Place, praises Mr Wilson for his Faith in the United Nations & his utter Devotion to Principle; upon this being said, Mr M. Foot falls down of an apoplectick Fitt, to the manifest Consternation of his factious Friends. 'Tis rumoured that Mr Fred. Lee may shortly leave the Ministry.

FEBRUARY. Mr Edward Heath declareth that the Offer of a Place in the Succession to Mr Smith is a most scandalous Usurpation of the Royal Prerogative; and that the Succession to these Kingdoms in the illustrious House of Hannover is as firmly secured as the Nature of the Thing can possibly admit. Mr Cecil Harms- worth King, at a Dinner of Bankers, and other great Figures in the Land, gives his Opinion that what this Country needs is a National Government of all the Tallents. There is a Report that severall civil Servants have escaped from Captivity in the Home Office; whereupon Mr Roy Jenkins gives his solemn Word that the Matter will be investigated and brought to a speedy Conclusion.

MARCH. In this Month there is unseason- able Sunshine. Master Peter Walker and Master John MacGregor inform Mr Heath that, the Tory Centrall Office having taken Soundings of Opinion in the Land, employing all Manner of wondrous mathematickal Methods for the Pur- pose, he hath made an Errour in Tacticks by bringing the Royal Family into the Dispute on the Rhodesias. Saith Mr Heath: 'It was that — Wilson who brought it up, not me'; to which his young Advisers reply : 'Well, the Publick don't see it like that.' There is a Report that Sir A. Douglas-Home is restored to Favor in the Tory Party. In this Month also Mr Wilson and his Ministry are praised for their Courage by Mr Ivor Richard.

APRIL. Mr Jas. Callaghan avers that he hath the most momentous Scheams in hand to relieve this poor suffering Country of ours of her Bur- thens and great Indebtedness abroad. Mr Edward Heath declareth that, although approving in Prin- ciple of the Scheams, there are many further Facts and Notions of which he would wish to be more fully informed. The Daily Mirror de- mands a Place in the highest Counsells of the Ministry for Mrs Shirley Williams, whose Wit, Industry, Beauty, Sagacity and Virtue have been the Wonder of all who beheld her. Mr Jenkins announceth that the Escape of the civil Servants is to be investigated by a Commission under Mr Alf. Hinds, assisted by my Lord Mount- batten. Quoth Mr Cecil H. King: 'This is an

imaginative Move which will do much to restore the Reputation of the Government in the Eyes of Businessmen such as Myself.' The Daily Mirror demands a Place in the Ministry for Mr Alf. Hinds.

MAY. My Lord President Crossman pro- poseth a Scheam for the utter Abolition of the Parliament and its Replacement by a grand System of select Committees and Commissions. 'We must,' saith he merrily, 'bring Bagehot up to date. Besides, this will give me, as Leader of the House, less Work to do': whereupon severall of the younger Members fall down in Amaze- ment at his sublime Genius for Politicks. Mr Geo. Brown declareth that he does not know which Day of the Month it is; and that the Fault lyes with his Subordinates, severall of whom have been engaged in a most horrible and wicked Conspiracy to bring him down. Saith one of his civil Servants: 'As he is down, not to mention out, already, I don't see what he is worrying about'; upon which Mr Brown, provoked beyond Endurance, demands a Tryall, and all Manner of Grievous Pains and Penalties, for the guilty Plotters.

JUNE. Mr Wilson re-commences his Parleys with Mr. Smith, making an offer of Her Gracious Majesty the Queen in Exchange for Sir Hum ph. Gibbs. Mr Jack Ashley and Mr Ivor Richard, together with Mr Roy Hattersley and Mr Chrs" Rowland, join in praising Mr Wilson for his great Moderation, Christian Humility & Devo- tion to Principle. There are Thunderstorms and Rains.

JULY. My Lord Treasurer Callaghan avers that he hath the highest Hopes of obtaining Moneys from the Germans in respect to our Troops in the Low Countryes and elsewhere. Mr Michael Stewart is silent. Mr Cecil H. King, at a Dinner of Ministers, and other great Notables, gives his Opinion that what this Coun- try needs is a National Government of all the Tallents, including his own. The Daily Mirror demands a Place in the Ministry for Mr Cecil H. King. Mr Reginald Maudling maketh an Announcement that he is giving up his momen- tous Work in the City in order to devote more of his Time to Golf and other Diversions. There is a Rumour that Mr H. Wilson is highly dis- pleased with various Scribblers.

AUGUST. My Lord Thomson of Fleet putteth in a Bid for the Conservative Weekly News- letter, saying: 'This is the proudest Moment of my Life, although I am prepared to lose a Lot of Money. I shall be turning my Attention to Transport House and its Publications next.' The Times newspaper praises Lord Thomson for his publick Spirit. Mr Cecil H. King praises Lord

Thomson. The Daily Mirror praises Lord Thom- son, and demands a Place in the Ministry for him. Mean time the Ministry are loud in their Complaints, surmising from the Virulence of severall Pamphlets that ill Designs are forming against Mr H. Wilson.

SEPTEMBER. Mr Enoch Powell gives his Opinion that Mr Edw. Heath is 'a dangerous and meaningless Nonsense.' Upon these Words being spoken, Mr lain Macleod declareth, with- out prompting, that he hath absolutely no Com- ment to make, one Way or the other. 'Tis reported that Mr Io Grimond is shortly to quit his great Position in his Partye for the Purpose of becoming Chairman of the Young Liberals. Mr Anthony Wedgwood Benn declares that he hath all Manner of great Projects in Mind, so secret that they cannot possibly be disclosed without Risk of grievous Injury to the Common Wealth. Mr Attorney Elwyn Jones concurs, say- ing that any premature Intelligence, without due Authority, of these or any other great Affairs of State, is a most horrible Crime and Mis- demeanour, punishable as High Treason.

OCTOBER. At the Tory Party conference Mr E. Heath receives a standing Ovation; upon which all the Scribblers and Grub Street Hacks join together in averring that he hath scored a notable Triumph, that he bath been sorely misjudged, that he is secure as Leader of his Partye, &c., &c. Mr I. Macleod is silent. In his Report to the Ministry upon the grievous Affair of the civil Servants, Mr A. Hinds de- mands greater Security in all Departments of State. In an impromptu Speech at Bristol, Mr Richard Crossman declareth that, as Leader of the House, he is familiar with the momentous Problem of absconding Members & wd. welcome greater Security within and around the Palace of Westminster. Mr H. Wilson declares that Colonel Wigg hath the Matter well in Hand.

NOVEMBER. In this Month Mr H. Wilson announceth the setting up of a great Tribunal, under my Lord Goodman, to enquire into the manifold Wickednesses and Abuses of the Press. 'Tis also announced that my Lord Thomson and Mr Cecil H. King are most graciously pleased to serve on the Tribunal, to the manifest wonder of The Times and the Daily Mirror and the immeasurable Gratitude of the Nation. Mr A. Wedgwood Benn reveals to the Populace that he hath in Mind a great Scheam for placing electrick Fences around all Departments and likewise around the Palace of Westminster. 'Tis also rumoured that he bath a most ingenious Plan for placing a Fence around Col. Wigg.

DECEMBER. Mr Geo. Brown avers that he was kept in Ignorance of the Approach of Christmas, and that 'twas all the Fault of his Officials, who were in League utterly to destroy him. Mr Attorney Jones saith that this is mani- festly a Matter for a Tribunal if not for a Court of Law; and that in the mean time any Com- ment shall be regarded as a most horrible Crime and Misdemeanour. My Lord Goodman, in his Report to the Ministry, declareth. , that all Scribblers and Hacks, excepting those presently employed at the Observer, are seditious libellers and were better employed in the Export Drive, and that to this End they should be put to useful Work in such places as notaries' Offices and the House of Lords. Upon all this Mr Michael Stewart is silent. Mr Jas. Callaghan de- clares he hath high Hopes of receiving Moneys from the Germans. The Times demands a Place in the Ministry for Mr Cecil H. King. The Daily Mirror demands a Place in the Ministry for my Lord Thomson. There is unseasonable sunshine. 'Tis rumoured that Mr Fred. Lee may shortly leave the Ministry.