No 638: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to submit excerpts from a special marriage ser- vice for hippies, yippies, militant feminists or similar groups. In spite of the postmen im- posing an earlier closing date for the compe- tition than intended, a good variety of groups were spliced, ranging from computer program- mers, through Dalton's Weekly readers ('Wth. ths. mg. I the. wd., wth. my bdy. I the. wshp., ad. wth. al. my wldly. gds. I the. endw.'—Maud Graccchurch) and has (`And do you both vow to remain an everlasting Pair, never to petition for a Dissolution, but to remain compacted unto one another howsoever often the Division Bell may ring—until at the last you are ushered into the eternal Lobby and stand for final Scrutiny before the Great Returning Officer? We do.— Martin Fagg), to Jimmy Young fans.

Tim O'Dowda's New Theologians were so hedged about with qualifications that the service barely got started:

You, — —, being a male vertebrate mammal of the anthropoid family, sub-species. Homo sapiens and You, — being a female ditto Are met here in the sight of:

• Ultimate reality/The Immanent Will/The Life Force/The Author of Everything/Fred Hoyle's latest theory/Big Daddy/The ground of your being/The Big Bang/The background material of the universe/Honest to God knows what/A dance of electrons/A cloud of gas/ Whatever Bishop Robinson says (*Delete whichever is inapplicable, or substitute any fashionable formula of your own)

To enter upon a state of monogamy which is:

*A sacrament/A drag/A convenience/A cur- ious cultural survival of the Graeco-Roman- Judaic tradition/Legalised prostitution/An in- genious anthropological contrivance/The price you have to pay for having it off whenever you want it/A biological compulsion/A tax deduc- tion/Fun Civil Service weddings were suitably turgid. Here is an extract from E. 0. Parrott's matri- monialisation in duplicate:

. . . Is it your intention to act in compliance with his commands, to place yourself in a subordinate position in respect of him, to be statutorily amatory towards him and maintain his person on sick leave and in normal working condition, excluding yourself from the close proximity of other male persons who may be of your acquaintanceship whilst you are both on the permanent records of the Ministry of Social Security?

FEMALE APPLICANT: Under the present circum- stances I have been instructed by the Minister to inform you that my answer • must be in the affirmative . . .

There were a number of hippy and women's lib celebrations, but none really striking.-Trade unionism, however, provided a fertile field and C. L. Bundela wins three guineas (prizes, by the way, will be sent to winners when the letter post is resumed):

Brothers: this Lodge of the Wives and Hus- bands Union is convened to admit Comrades M . . . and N . . . as paid-up members. WHO, a mutual aid association approved by the Tuc, most of whose delegates belong also to our Union. was founded by the Great Shop Steward Above for the purpose, first, of operating a con- jugal closed shop: secondly, for negotiating and ratifying Progeny Productivity Agreements, and thirdly for bringing members out in sympathy in the event of a marital lock-out, sit-in, go- slow, work-to-rule or withdrawal of labour. m . . Will you take N to be your workmate on life's factory floor and on the workbench of family production? Will you support her, pay her Union Dues and wage-claims, stage sympa- thetic walk-outs with her, clock in and out, and down tools with her, so long as you both retain your Union cards? Among other categories, commendations go to J. D. Crispin (pop stars), Joyce Johnson (hu- manist members of the Stock Exchange) and W. F Owtram (the 'Angry Brigade'), and prizes of three guineas go to Rufus Stone for his astronaut launching and four guineas to Adam Khan for his matrimony 'oly Now before I give you kids the ALL SYSTEMS GO-GO-GO, you gotta tell me if you ever been on

the launch-pad Holy-Wedlock-wise with any other guys or dolls. How about you, Butch, baby?

Nope.

And you, Shin sugar?

Nope.

Okidokey. Count-down continues. Five—you promise to stay encapsulated as long as you both shall enjoy an oxygen intake?

We sure do.

Four—and to stay in orbit, Cohabitatory-Habit- Control-wise?

Yeah.

Three—and never to blast off with no other schmucks?

Yep.

Two—but to stay faithful till the Final Splash- Down?

Yessirree.

One—Zero. OK, kids, you got ignition!

Right then, fags away. What we are now goin' on with is Matrimony 'Oly Military, soldiers for the use of. Military matrimony is a Parade laid down in Orders, signifying the Comradeship felt by the soldier for 'is Regiment. It is a Regular Long-Term Engagement, not some Short-Service lark what you enlist in for a giggle or just for 'avin' it away like a load of 'orrible little civvies. Matrimony is approved by the Army Council; first, for keepin' the Regiment up to strength; secondly, for keepin' Pay and Allowances in the Regimental Institute and NAAFI club and Grocery shop; and thirdly for encouraging cspirit de corps and Regimental morale. Number . . . Rank . . . Name . . Initials . . . wilt thou have this Officer /Nco / Servicewoman to your regulation issue wedded oppo? Wilt thou guard her, ration, accommo- date and drill her, in quarters on the strength, and dismissing all others, serve only with her? ...

Note: And that, for the moment, is that. There will be no new competition or competition report in next week's issue of the SPECTATOR, but both will reappear as soon as possible after the end of the postal strike. Competitors should send in their entries for Competitions 639 and 640 immediately letter post is resumed.