No. 1324: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a rhyming poem containing as many acronyms as possible.

This was a tough assignment, especially as 1 don't believe there's a dictionary of acronyms available. `Acrimony's what I feel/Regarding acronyms,' moaned Monica G. Ribon, angrily, almost anagrammatical- ly. Judging by the paucity of entries, most of you were either sulking or on holiday. Llewellin Berg was too ingenious by half (though 'Your MIND ASLEF me MAD' was a masterstroke), but the rest of you, barring the prize-winners, weren't in- genious enough. Ten pounds each goes to those printed below, and Joyce Johnson gets the bonus bottle of Champagne Jules Mignon Brut (NV), presented by Christopher Moorsom and Michael Alex- ander of the Chelsea Wharf Restaurant, Lots Rd, SW10 (351 0861). Except in the case of Peter Hadley, I have glossed the lesser known acronyms used.

Dressed in ASH-grey suit and CAP Ern looked POSH and quite a chap. Not for him the OXFAM coat When he wanted people's vote.

'IDA, CAN you hold the dogs?

They're APT to leap, and in these togs —' `PLUTO, FIDO, GUS! Come here!' She duly called to AID her dear.

ERNIE leapt into his FIAT. `Must dash, dear, I've got to be at NALGO House, I can't be late Voting started prompt at eight.'

Driving like he didn't oughter, Ern ran over one supporter.

'Should 1 CARE?' he said. 'I noted WHO it was. I knew he'd voted.'

(Joyce Johnson) (CAN: Customs assigned number; APT: Ad- vanced passenger train; FIDO: Fog Investigation and Dispersal Operation; GUS: Great Universal Stores; FIAT: Fabbrica Italiana Automobile Torino; CARE: Co-operative for American Relief to Everywhere.) I wanted to invite a JAP to tea, But Mummy whispered, 'NQOSD.'

By this remark I knew she meant to say She takes to WASPS (JR or LBJ) But no one 'ethnic' from the USA.

(We always understand each other's talk: When I go AWOL I just cable `SWALK'.) I've simply got to marry LSD.

Pa tried to leave me some but CTT Means trying to keep the house up's NBG.

His DIY kept maintenance costs at bay: Now I support the place — an RSJ.

I pay my subs in kind to the HHA ( A DBS within my own UK) And rates to the RDS with IOUs.

I wish Mummy would learn to like the Jews! (Charles Mosley)

(JAP: Jewish American princess; NQOSD: Not quite our sort, darling; SWALK: Sealed with a loving kiss; RSJ: Roof-supporting joist; HHA: Historic Houses Association; DBS; Distressed British subject.)

`Not RADAR, man — I'm talking about RADA!'

The wing-commander gripped my shoulder harder, Sitting there, moustache bristling, in the NAAFI; And then, 'You'll be a credit to the RAF,' he Continued. How could I refuse? with that I joined the Royal Airforce Theatre (RAT). We toured round every theatre of war Revues and ITMA sketches — what a bore! Until a bunch of fellow thespians (naval) Persuaded us (in Portsmouth) to go AWOL. Look, what I'm trying to tell you, dear, is that's How come I'm holed up here with all these ATS, Who've promised to secrete us — smashing girls, Especially one with Ginger Rogers curls! My love for you, of course, grows ever firmer. Your faithful Stan. TTFN, SWALK, BURMA. (Peter Norman)

(TTFN: Ta-ta for now; BURMA: Be undressed, ready, my angel.)

`BACIE,' Auntie VERA cried, 'Is a thing I've never tried.'

Twenty GIGS from GUS she bought And smoked the lot without a thought.

Tyros often are so rash - All she got was IL and ASH. (Sid Field)

(BACIE: British Association for Commercial and Industrial Education; VERA: Versatile reac- tor assembly; IL: Institute of Linguists.)

QUANGO QUANTAS ANZAC AID BLESHMA BUPA SARAH SLADE PERT UEFA PLUTO MIRV DUKW LOB LEAP IATA DERV.

FIAT FIDO VERA VAT ACAS ASLEF GLORIA GATT ROSPA RADA MUFTI MORI NUPE SOGAT COHSE (sorry!).

LAMDA LEPRA MIDAS MASER TASS UNESCO WASP WAAF LASER ERNIE UNICEF OXFAM SALT SABENA SCUBA SAM.

OPEC OUDS NATSOPA CRAC NASA NATO REME WRAC NAAFI NIBMAR SHAPE SNAFU CAMRA CARE. That's sixty-two! (Peter HadleY)