COMPETITION

No. 607: A polite address

An eighteenth century NIP once wrote to constituents who wanted him to oppose the Excise Bill a letter beginning: 'Gentlemen,

I received yours and am surprised at your insolence in troubling me about the Excise. You know what l very well know, that I bought you, and by God I am determined to sell you . . .' With this in mind competi- tors are asked for a post-election- address by either a successful or an unsuccessful candidate. Not more than 100 words. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 607', by 12 June.

No. 604: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to provide nursery rhymes, neither comfortable nor twee, commenting on public figures or recent events. The chance to slam their favourite hates brought a large entry. Apartheid, abortion, the fuzz, skinheads, drugs, Wilson—they were all there. Some of the verse was almost too savage, even for nursery rhymes.

One or two snippets first: Bishops Trevor, John and Dave, The Episcopal New Wave . . .

M. W. Matthews Jollymy-jeremy Keeps Right Hon, Still be there when the party's gone ...

W. J. Webster Blether blether all together— Victor Feather weight . . .

W. F. N. Watson Oh dear, what can the matter be? Vietnam's full to capacity .. .

C. J. Clement And now the winners. Three guineas each for these: I had a tiny baby as innocent as day

And I asked a clever gentleman to take it

right away.

He very kindly took it and put it down a drain, And if I have another he'll do the same again.

Vera Teller Hush-a-black baby—Nw8, Be like your father—don't demonstrate! When the time comes Apartheid will fall— So don't be impatient—continue to crawl.

Hush-a-bye Conscience—your small voice has gone, Commerce is different—our trade must go on; Iscariot's dead—and more is the pity— They're counting his silver down in the City.

P., W. R. Foot

Come, let's to bed Says Hippie Fred; Let's have a Fix, says Flo:!

I've had my Pill Says Junkie Jill.

Take me too, when you go.

C. L. Bundela

Barbara, Barbara, sleek red hen,

Took a peck at the Union men. `Shoosh!' they cried; and feathers flew, Fluttering Barbara flew away too., Now she struts around their legs, Scraps, and orts, and fragments begs' Never a peck, and never a stir,

Only a harmless cackle from her. •

G. J. Blundell

Two guineas each for these:' Pakky-bash, Pakky-bash, black-skinned man, Make him go back to Pakkystan: Beat him and bash him, the rotten old b— We don't want him here, no, not Skinhead and mell Anthony Jarvis Mary Mary axillary, How does your garden grow?

With fimbriate Charms, and underarms, And Quantities peek-a-bo.

William Hodson

Honourable mentions to Kate Northover, Tony Robinson, Hilary Fry, Douglas How- son and K. S. Lightfoot and a final three guineas to Lance A. Haward for the blackest of the lot:.

Chichester, Chichester, spare me a vote, For I've come up to Belfast to get at your throat, With my coat 0 so orange, my cassock so black, I've done for O'Neill, now I'll do for his jacki Chichester, Chichester, find me a rope, And I'll dangle you first, then I'll dangle the Pope., With my coat 0 so orange, my talons so red, I'm coming to Belfast to chop off your head, Chichester, Chichester, lend me an ear, For there's devil a voice so beguilin' to hear, We'll go down the Falls Road, I'll come up Stormont hill, 0 my God, he's a bully-boy: Jim's for the kill,