OXFORD LETTER

The Old-soules Club

MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS

GOOD BROTHER LONDINIENSIS, I am heartily glad that my unvarnish'd accompts of our daily life in Oxon have so put you in love with this place that you would willingly exchange your metropoli- tan distractions for our singular pursuit of learning. But when you add that, for that purpose, you would, on my recom- mendation, seek admittance to our famous Old-soules Club, then I must confess that I admire rather your courage than your prudence; for 'tis deer you know not the intricacy and the hazards of that moulder- ing labyrinth, nor the craft and vigilance of the great Minotaur whom you must first tame if you would penetrate it. How- ever, at this your entreaty, I shall be your friend, and, like Ariadne, shall give you a clew of strong packthread to guide you by, spun out of my own long observation and curious survay of that place.

Know then that this famous club was formerly a college, called All-soules col- lege (in the French tongue, college des morts), being founded by the late arch- bishop Chichele, in order that the members thereof might pray for the soules of those who died fighting our neighbours the French at Azincourt, anno 1415; which soules were then thought to be still in Purgatory. But Purgatory being since abolish'd by act of Parliament, this function has ceased. At one time there were some few undergraduates in the place, as singing-boys; but the Fel- lows finding 'em either too many or too few for their purposes, they too have ceased; as also have those Fellows who were formerly admitted as Founder's kin, and who would from time to time -drop in to soak up the college port and enjoy a hand of ombre or picquet; so that the club is now limited to its proper Fellows, who are very jealous of any new members, as likely to eat up their endowments (though huge) and to disturb their sweet otiums.

For indeed 'tis a delicious place, as they take care to rub into those of us who have

not the felicity to be among 'em; for they have seen fit to set up, conspicuously, in a vestibule through which their guests must pass, an inscription, of doubtful latinity but deer import, viz:

Frustra alii sire pitum cu plant evadere mundi; His sociis remanet Chicheliana quies; which one has english'd thus: From the world's din you vainly seek release; We Fellows of Old soules alone have peace.

This smug distich was writ, as I understand, by the late Sir Dugald Malcolm, an ingeniose Scotchman who, having become monstrous rich by his prudent traffick with the poor kaffirs of South Afrique, was able there- after to return to this club and indulge . his Muses. From this you may judge how closely those Fellows guard themselves against new intruders, for,whom there are now but three ordinary ways of entry; and the gates of all three are strictly controuled by the Warden and his Manciple, who like not to see new faces.

The first way of entry is by examina- tion; but this way is not suitable for you, being open only to young batchelours, such as have lately pleased their publick exam- iners by their smart answers in the Schooles.

These, being afterwards further refin'd by a second and private examination, set and judged by the Fellows of the club, are then invited thither to dine, and scrutiniz'd closely, and finally, if thought ingeniose and docile enough, and of civil) manners (which is not to be despis'd in these days), admitted to membership. After which, hav- ing once tasted the lotus-fruit of that enchanted island in our boysterous seas of Academe. their course is set. For unless, like Ulysses, they get away quick (as severall have wisely done), they trouble themselves no more with learning, but either dissolve into pop-singers, gossip-scribblers, Grub- street news-mongers, coffee-house oracles, etc., or disappear altogether from the known world and are never seen or heard again.

Tis true, in the last thirty years. there have been two or three Fellows of this sort who, by stedfastly refusing the lotus-fruit, how tempting soever, have nobly served the Commonwealth of Learning, and whose names you will hear brought forth on occasion. But be not deceiv'd; for these are but the honest oxen in a travelling circus, who snort and heave to pull the richly painted cart wherein the pantaloons and performing sea-lions and antick marmosets do idly frisk and gambol.

However, 'tis not to be denied that these young Fellows by Examination may also, in due course, serve their turn. For certain of them, carefully sifted, are, after the expiry of their first fellowships, kept on (as Ethiopians, at a low diet) under the new title of 'Fifty Pounders'; who, coming to the feasts and meetings of the club, do act—together with certain seniors call'd

'Distinguished Fellows' (being ambassa- dours, judges, archbishops, etc., elected ad hoc munus)—as Master Warden's Janizaries or corps d'idite, always ready, at time of need, to be wheel'd into action, in order, by their votes (which in the most vitall affairs are secret and unaccountable), to

frustrate the creation of new fellowships (even if advertiz'd), or the election of new

Fellows, or the granting of rooms to new professors, or the building of new rooms in Master Warden's garden, or any other unseasonable change. For Master Warden loves not change, holding all change (unless backward, as cobbling the High Street, or abolishing motor-cars, or reviving antient (sinecures) to be but another stage in the fall of man and the loss of our innocency.

For this cause, Master Warden greatly mislikes the second way of entry into the club, over which he has less controul. This is the way ex officio, by election to certain dignities in the university which by statute are annexed to that club, as the Regius Chair of Civil) Law or the Chichele Chairs of History, International' Law, History of Warre, Oeconomick History, etc.; whereby (although in most such elections the club has two votes, which is a great safe-guard) 'tis possible that some dangerous Serpent may slide into that Paradise. However, these professors being of a ripe age, and having their other avocations, and there being no undergraduates to draw 'em to- gether and fix 'em in the place, they have hitherto been docile enough; besides that many of 'em reside generally abroad, as the Regius Professor of Civil' Law, who resides chiefly in Northern California (with occasional excursions to Basel in Switz); and if such professors should insist on com- ing to Oxon, they are likely to hear that there are no rooms for them in the club, or a garret only, the best rooms being kept empty for those Fellows who live abroad, as Dr Rowse, who for the last ten years has resided chiefly in Southern California, using the Old-soules Club as a summer cot- tage when that climate becomes too hott for him.

Tis true, this good doctor has this year broke his habit and granted us his presence in Oxon even in winter; for which welcome innovation we know not, as yet, the reason. Some suppose that he is cooking up a great stinking bombard wherewith to blow-up, sky-high, those impertinent criticks who dis- sent from his judgment of certain plays and sugar'd sonnets of Master William Shake-speare, his familiar friend. Others believe that the affable red-skins of Cali- fornia (a gentle tribe, not cannibal) have invited him to enjoy a vacation here, on full pay, so that he in Oxon (being a place of more competition) may rest his voice, and they in California their ears. Others again think that Master Warden himself has entreated him to stay, to help him keep down the baser sort and preserve the club from innovation. Which of these reasons (if any) is true, I know not; but by me any reason will be accompted good which preserves for us that incomparable doctor.

The third and last way into this delicious club is by means of Visiting Fellowships. This is a new device, and therefore mis- liked by those that love not innovation, but judged necessary as a prophylactick, to preserve that antient body from finall de- composition. For you must know that some years past, when our politick physician, my lord Franks, was called in to examine all our organs, he open'd the very entrails of that plump body, and tweak'd 'em some- what painfully with his forceps, saying that 'twas deer too much had been spent on epicurean dinners, and too little on the Muses, and hinting darkly that so plethorick a body could not hope to live; which severe observations were afterwards car- ried further by a renegade Fellow, one Master Caute, who took it upon himself to anatomize that whole society, not privily, as I do to you, but publickly, in Master Lasky's gazette Encounter, with a sharp, pollster', and (some said) poison'd lancet. Whereat Master Warden and the Fellows, in a panique, cast around for palliative plaisters and cataplasms, crying out that they would mend their ways and give all they had to the poor, so they might be suffered to live and not die, nor either fling open the gates of the club or alter the deli- cate ballance of votes within it: which would be but another form of death.

So, after laying out some thousands of pounds upon certain deserving (and power- ful) bodies within the university, and en- couraging my lady Hartwell, Master Ken- neth Rose, and other great persons, to protest, in their gazettes and gossip- columns, that my lord Franks's observa-

tions were unjust and that the club was a mighty force for good in the university (i.e. invited 'em to its grand feasts), they hit on this pretty engine of Visiting Fellows, to whom they offer bed and board (but no votes) for a term or a year, so that they may read in Bodley's Library and hob-nob with the natives. Which device I cannot commend too much, both as a preservative of that antient club (its prime purpose) and also for the reall, if incidental! benefits which it has brought to us; for thereby we have had among us many worthy men from other universities, both here and be- yond seas. But whether you, good brother, could squeeze through that new gate, even with such commendations as I could give you (which might be warmer in my mouth than in Master Warden's ears) is a question not easily to be resolved.

Nevertheless, 'tis by this gate or none

that you must creep in. Therefore my counsell to you is that you lose no time in paying court to Master Warden. He is the great states-man who alone, by his ingeniose managery, his skilfull procrastin- ation, his secret reserves of votes, and his influence in high places (as the Beefsteak Club, Roxburghe Club. etc.), can rule that society. 'Tis true, not all the Fellows follow him willingly through all his ambages, which are infinitely subtile, so that few have leisure to unravel 'em; but when Hannibal is ad portal, all men turn to a Fabius Cunctator, and ever since my lord Franks, with his elephants, crossed the Cornmarket, the senatours of the Old-soules Club have cluster'd round their Warden, who alone, as they now admit, cunctando restintit rent.

Nor is this his only service to that society.

For having first saved it from the diabolical! two-pronged fork of my lord Franks and Master Caute, he then carried it unscathed through that great siege, anno 1968, of which I writ you an accompt at the time. Which signal service he would not let us forget; and therefore, having compleated his paper in that famous Black Book against education, he has now compiled a White Book or album, which is kept in the club-room and shown to visitors. There you may see, fully set out in documents, pictures, etc., the whole history of that famous siege: how that great club, having shut its gates and manned its walls, stood firm against the barbarian hordes (being four undergraduates armed with a banner); how Dr Rowse, by his eloquence, con- founded their arguments (see Master Lan- caster's exquisite drawing thereof, now in private hands); and how Master Warden himself, having captured the banner in a sortie, afterwards returned it to the enemy, under flag of truce, with privy textual emendations.

Therefore, good brother Londiniensis, lose

no time, but dedicate to Master Warden some ingeniose (but not subversive) treatise: as for instance, Of the Art of Conserving a Commonwealth, or The True Modell of an University, or Funerary Urns, or De Spin- triis Quaestiones CXX. Let it be elegant in style, and forget not to intersperse a few delicate compliments, for which I trust that I have given you matter enough in this letter, and then, with discreet commenda- tions from myself and other sound ortho- dox friends, who knows but that, by this third way, you may yet enter that Elysian place? Where certainly no man would more gladly see you enjoying your ease than

Your loving brother to serve you

MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS PS: Flinty ybu, fail not to burn this letter.