COMPETITION

Telly turn-offs

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2035 you were invited to recommend, in typical TV critic's style, three programmes which nothing would induce you to watch.

Here's my contribution, from last week's Times Choice (12.25 a.m.):

An exotic rarity, the first film by Tunisian director Moufida Tiatli is mainly set in the female servants' quarters of the grandly faded palace of the last king of Tunisia, with murmurs of nationalist revolt outside. The feudal oppressions are recalled by a singer remembering her childhood among the women, sexually exploited but wise and resigned.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £10 for each item, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky goes to W.J. Webster, the only entrant to pull off a trio.

Five Sharing: When Chiv finds Dec under the bed with Snoo, sparks fly — but where do they land? One of the delights of this wryly observed series is its unpredictability. Postmodern mores go under the spectroscope to produce a daz- zling, many-hued vision of how life gets lived now.

Been There: This could have been a sad combi- nation of You've Been Framed and Holiday, but magically it works, as high-octane panellists try to place each other's holiday videos. Zoe Ball keeps it all nicely zesty, aided this week by Edwina Currie, Julian Clary and Nick Hancock.

Too Many Cooks: Just when you thought cook- ery programmes were all washed up, here come Carlton with this hilarious new angle. The pre- miss is simple: three celebrated TV chefs plan, and cook a three-course meal. Easy. The hare bit is that they're all working in one small kitchen. Just watch those egos scramble — deli-

cious! (W.J. Webster)

Memory Lane: Astonishingly revealing account of the early life of Nonni Etty, who shocked the world last year with her little-girly socks-and- sandals show. An unlikely candidate for iconic status, she talks to Nina de Madon as they walk through the streets of her home town of

Tublague in Haute-Savoie. (Gordon GwilliaMs) My early lukewarmness towards Trappist Kara- oke Cymru has matured to unmitigated enthusi- asm. In a brilliant coup de tele, S4C captures the essence of this esoteric discipline: Welsh vocal harmony, serenely transposed for silent rendi- tion. These performances by the Mutant Mute Monks of Machynlleth deserve to be heard time and again. (Mike Morrison)

If you've ever wondered how history would have turned out if events had taken a different course --- if, for example, Caesar hadn't been assassi- nated — now's your chance to find out. Tonight's panel considers the consequences had Henry VII's son Arthur lived. No Henry VIII? No Church of England? The possibilities are

endless. (0. Smith) Tonight's Worldwatch looks at the case of Wayne Boggs from Liverpool, who had a foot ampu- tated in order to get a disabled parking badge. Brenda Breezeblock's indictment of a society which fails to provide parking for its citizens and her efforts to interview elusive surgeon Hand Rawalpindi, allegedly a specialist in self-inflicted disabilities, make compelling television. (A.P. O'Dowd) A pay in the Life of a Toenail: From the moment this modified epidermis with its horny layer emerges from the relative safety of the nail-bed,

the toenail leads an extraordinarily eventful life. A not-to-be-missed opportunity to follow the adventures of a toenail as it is chipped, clipped, painted and enclosed in stockings, slippers and two different shoes — all in the course of one

day. (Rosemary Fisher) Squandermania: Comedian Ross Milward hosts another cheerful instalment of the hunt for Britain's greediest shopper. Who will survive to the next round with a chance to become the con- sumer-with-the-most? This week: Hear the tills ringing merrily as four more contestants are let loose in Gammidge's. (Fergus Porter) Sated as we are with flamboyant costume dra- mas loosely adapted from familiar classics, hav- ing a great novel read to camera — unabridged and with no visual or musical distraction — is a welcome change. I reiterate my previous recom- mendation of Jim Naughtie's spirited delivery of Scott's The Antiquary. This week he reaches part 31 and the affecting funeral of Steenie Muckle- backit. (Alanna Blake) The Grave Has No Answers: The final part of Poskrebyshov's epic film cycle is scheduled by Channel 4 for 3.15 a.m., so set your videos or risk missing an unmissable experience. Life in turn-of-the-century Latvia becomes even more troubled and painful as ominous echoes of the 1905 revolution spread from Petrograd. The bes- tiality sequence stands as one of the poetic high moments of post-Soviet Russian cinema.

(Basil .Ransome-Davies) Clueless Brian, for non-initiates, involves a lad struggling to keep up with the electronic age and stay in with pushy, computer-sharp girlfriend Doreen, who puts him through much more than a modem. Tonight he tries the macho approach. But, as Brian finds, there's, downloading and downloading. Priceless hip comedy.

(Chris Tingley) BBC 2's Scrutiny this week preients a graphic portrayal of life under the arches at Kings Cross by an intrepid investigator who, while savouring the hardships of sleeping rough, shares the odd cigarette and brews up countless mugs of tea to stave off hunger, boredom and biting cold.

(David Barton)