YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. The other day my wife and I were invit- ed by a successful but absent-minded bio- chemist and his wife to their elegant apart- ment for a drink at 6.30 or so. We were expected, as was evidenced by a dish of tomato and anchovy bits, but they only offered us glasses of V8 vegetable juice. We longed for a dash of alcohol. What should we have said?
A.B., Bellac, France A. You could have swirled a mouthful of the mixture around your palate, then mused, 'You know, when I was a boy, Young women were warned by their moth- ers about the insidious dangers of vodka, You can't smell it and you can't taste it," they would say, "so boys sometimes slip it into your drink at a party so they can take advantage of you." And, do you know,' you could have climaxed, 'they were right. I can't smell or taste the vodka in here at all.'
Q. I have put on such a lot of weight recently that I am embarrassed even to allow my beloved husband to see me in the bath. I do not wish to use a disguising bub- ble bath as the bubbles tend to go cold around the back of my neck. Can you sug- gest any solution?
F.F., Winchelsea, Sussex A. Simply use a product such as Jo Mal- one's Lime, Basil & Mandarin bath oil, a capful of which will make your bathwater sufficiently cloudy to obscure from your husband the full extent of your newly acquired bulk.
Q. At this time of the year one often sees pigeons repeatedly attempting to hold 'Ugandan discussions' in bare trees. A number of such trees are visible from my dining-room window and more than one luncheon party has been ruined by these embarrassing displays. Should one try to overlook the disturbance or is there any other procedure you could suggest?
Name withheld, London NW3 A. Most good hardware shops can supply frosted glassware-style sheeting of the type used for bathroom windows. Why not use it to blot out these visual nuisances until such time as the mating season is over, at which point the frosting can be peeled off again?
Q. How can I keep in touch with old friends of whom I am very fond without the nui- sance of seeing and speaking to them? MA., Eaton Place, London SWI A. Simply hire an open-topped car or motorbike and, driving past their homes without slowing the vehicle down, shout 'Morning, Susan!' or 'Morning, John and Harriet!' It will soon sink into the house- holders that you have paid a friendly pass- ing visit, but by the time they have rushed out you will already be several streets away.
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