SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 178

Report by D. R. Peddy

The usual prize was offered for an extract from a love scene in a play set against the background of one of the following : the United Nations Headquarters, a Home Office Approved School, the office of a literary weekly, a Civil Defence Training Centre, the Stock Exchange, the Athenaeum, the College of Arms, or a Trade Union Annual Conference.

Smallish but good quality entry. The final short list was ten strong and it was with reluctance that I had to reject Eric Swainson, Findlay P. Murdoch, R. Kennard Davis, J. J. Brown, Granville Garley, J. P. Mullarky, and Miss M. Chisholm.

Few attempted the UNO Headquarters, the Civil Defence Centre or the Athenaeum. D. P. Barritt was amusing on the Stock Exchange, but his entry was not in dramatic form, so had to be disqualified. The literary weekly, besides being the most popular subject, produced some of the best and most subtle pieces. The Approved School and T.U. Confereneo were not far behind, and I wish there were space to print the entries of Eric Swainson and J. P. Mullarky. Findlay P. Murdoch deserves quotation (The Amalgamated School Teachers' Trade Union) :

MARY : Of course I'd like to marry you, but think what the other

Winchester masters' wives would say when they heard my accent and ....

GEOFFREY : Genetics, my love, are far more important than phonetics.

The report must of necessity be brief to leave room for the prize- Winners—John Ringrose, W. D. Gilmour and Frances Collingwood, Whom I recommend for equal shares.

PRIZES

(JOHN RINGROSE)

Scene : The College of Heralds.

(A beautiful young assistant is idly tracing a descent with one finger. An aged King of Arms, realising they are alone, emerges from behind a genealogical table.) K. OF A. (Coining forward): Miss Higgs, may I presume to raise a personal matter with you ? Miss Moos (waking up): Yeah ?

os A. Is it true that you are pursuing a Poursuivant ?

MISS HIGGS : Oh!

oF A. (Desperately): It is of no use. He loves another. He has fallen for a pretty face in a Bluemantle. Ah, but if you

could turn your thoughts on another bearing. Miss Moos: What are you saying

1(.. OF A. : Miss Higgs, I know I'm an ordinary, perhaps a little cross, and my hair is argent : but my heart is tharged with or and my feelings are proper. My pallet is empty—fillet and endorse my happiness : quarter your arms on mine and become my better half. Miss Moos : Sir Walter, you are too old. I could never bear your arms. K. op A. : Then let me at least be your supporter. MISS HIGGS : Oh no, no, no ! That bend's too sinister. Fret some other field with your attentions. I'm off to the bar.

(Exit.) (W. D. Gamma)

Scene : The Offices of the Spxctxtxr.

, (A reviewer and a secretary are drinking elderberry wine kindly provided °Y lxx Nxx11.)

SHE SHE : HE

tut SHE HE Sue SHE • HE SHE:

Oh darling I love you so very very much.

You are inclined to hyperbole. The dialogue is rather forced.

But I do.

This reiteration of well-worn clichés.

Sometimes I think you're horrid.

That's better, but a little dated perhaps. (Aside) But how I love her ; and what an ankle !

What shall we do ?

Always seeking release in action.

We can't just sit here talking.

Why not ? Conversation is a lost art, so it is quite permissible for me to practise it.

Look I I've thought of a lovely game.

Nothing to do with me. Try Mallalieu.

I've got all last week's crosswords. Got, got, got I Can't you say anything else ? I'm splitting them into two piles—there's yours. And what am I supposed to do with them

SHE: He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not ....

Ha: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she ....

SHE : He loves me !

Ha : She loves me ! (They kiss.)

(The crossword puzzle is an agreeable entertainment.)

(FRANCES COLLINGWOOD)

Scene : Decontamination Shed in a Civil Defence Training Centre.

(Enter L. man and woman bearing stretcher upon which lies a figure so bandaged it might be either sex.)

HE (dropping his end of stretcher): At last we are alone!

SHE (dropping hers): Darling.

(They embrace. After some moments they disengage.)

SHE: When did you first know you loved me ?

HE: The day you turned down your gas-mask issue because it was too

large.

SHE: I don't understand.

Ha: Ah ! It was then I became aware of a desperate desire to don that mask myself just because your sweet breath had once blown into it.

SHE (enchanted): And did you ? Ha: Yes. I managed to persuade the officer-in-charge to let me have it

instead of my own. It was pure bliss !

SHE: Beloved, how sweet you are! But did it fit ?

Ha: No, it nipped me something cruel, but what did I care ?

(They embrace again.)

Ha: How your heart races against my own !

SHE: That isn't my heart, it's my radio-activity detector. Emotion

always upsets it.

MUFFLED VOICE (from stretcher): How much longet must I wait to be

decontaminated ?

(Actually he or she has to wait WI the curtain falls.)