COMPETITION

VAS RFLGV

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY 12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

Vice versa

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1618 you were asked for an end-of-term report, by a teenage pupil, on one or more of the teachers.

Good reports were so rare that I can't resist quoting (thank you, N. E. Soret) Roger Ascham's charming comment about a Mr Elmer: 'He teacheth me so gently, so pleasantly, with such fair allurements of learning, that I think all the time nothing whiles I am with him.' Frank McDonald's Miss Grype (English) is another kettle of fish: 'She's forever staying off, but the only difference is you can hear yourself talking when she's not in the room.' The mention of Field-Marshal Montgomery in one of the prizewinning entries prompts a re- miniscence. My preparatory school was haunted by the man. His son was there, and the headmaster, a crude but wily major, saw his PR opportunity. We ate with Montgomery spoons, and from time to time had to endure visits from him, pep talks and accounts of how he was almost single-handedly winning the war. In my last year, I won the boxing tournament, which involved several bouts, one or two against boys heavier and hairier than I. In presenting the cup to me, in front of parents, staff and boys he concluded his speech: 'Although Jaspistos has won the trophy, I am bound to say that in my opinion he displayed insufficient aggres- sion.' What would he have said of old Archie Moore?

The winners printed below get £15 apiece, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to Noel Petty.

Mathematics: Mr Perkins could teach the essen- tials of this subject — how to read a balance sheet, financial performance analysis etc more efficiently by cutting out such frills as algebra and geometry. Economics: Could easily be merged with

Mathematics, achieving a 100 per cent produc- tivity gain. Suggest Mr Fraser redeployed as school accountant.

English: Mr Willoughby-Forsyth concentrates on written communication at the expense of important oral areas such as Arousing the Buying Inclination, Making the Pitch, and Clos- ing the Sale. Needs a short secondment to double-glazing industry.

French: The main function here is maintenance of the language laboratory, which Mrs Harrison does not perform well. Replace with a techni- cian.

History: Since Mr Bradwell teaches only the uneventful period before 1980, I no longer attend his classes, using the time to develop my business interests.

Art: Quite useful, but Mr Hawkworthy needs to quantify the investment potential of his subjects more.

(Noel Petty)

History: Dr Cottle doesn't progress. Each teacher sets a project theme, he is Ancient History, he need's to buck up his ideas. Geography: Mrs Barnard is hot on maps, also she has very fine contours. She has planed a fetid trip to Trippoli next term, she should go far. Religious Education: Rev. Hopkin has done an exellent Job.

Chemistry: Mr Shaw has been mixing it well in class, he know's his acids from his alkali so he has passed his Titmus Test. He has been team teaching with the headmistress, now he leaves, she will be sory to loose him.

Mathematics: Mr Aitken is calculating, he doesn't make misstakes on this subject. Which is a good sine. He use's chalk very well, also he has sorted out the good deviders from the bad. His marking add's up very well!!

English: Ms Jenkin has done magic spelling. Fantasmagoricle stuff!

Latin: Mr Sampson is mucho bene, corpore in sano. (Will Bellenger)

Blenkinsop, E. Subject: Eng. Lit.

Classroom Manner: Worthy but dull. He should curb his tendency to read aloud long passages from The Miller's Tale in an imagined Middle English accent. It has no audience. However, borrowing tricks from the Robin Williams char- acter in Dead Poets' Society is not the way to counter this fault.

Attendance and Punctuality: Much room for improvement. He has often been late for first- period classes (with a tendency to smell) and takes extended lunch hours. He must also work at restricting his get-on-with-your-reading dis- appearances in the afternoons. Disciplinary Record: Average. Eric was at uni- versity in the 1960s, and his attitude is best described as 'permissive', but he must realise that there are times when pupils expect a show of strength.

Prospects: Eric performs satisfactorily in his present position, but he must decide whether or not he wishes to go further and, if so, mend his

ways accordingly. (Basil Ransome-Davies)

Figgis, T.R.T.: His tendency to wander off the subject (History) after dinner detracts from a basically sound grip of his subject-matter. Needs to work harder on jokes; the imitation of Field-Marshal Montgomery has now passed its time of maximum impact. For his age, his accuracy with a piece of chalk deserves admira- tion.

Glauber, L. R.: Mlle no longer needs to work so hard on being a character. To continue to bicycle to school in her late fifties invites ridicule when coupled with her well-advanced mous- tache and unsuitably short socks. Also she should try to conceal her feelings towards Mr Figgis. Hall-Cloud, Dr F: Has been seen regularly at classes, but never heard, so his claim to teach Geography remains unproven for another term. Must try not to use physical means to express encouragement to the sixth-form girls, a cheery word will serve as well.

(Fergus Porter)

Mathematics: Mr Earnshaw shows a consistent interest in figures by surreptitiously reading The Sport in his desk drawer.

English: Miss Brown's oral work is limited to commands, exclamations and questions. Her written work on the blackboard is illegible and her reading is histrionic. She shows little interest in spontaneous discussion and generally ignores or curtails our imaginative contributions to the lessons.

RE: Mr Wood is well-suited to the subject as he keeps on saying `My God' when he marks our work.

Science: Mr Johnson is lucky to have a techni- cian who gets out his equipment and washes it afterwards. He only allows us to do experiments which have been done millions of times before and when we try to discover new chemical reactions he gets cross and stunts our creative potentials. He has only got one eye.

(R. J. Pickles)