31 MARCH 2007, Page 12

DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY

MONDAY

What on earth is going on? Ever since Budget day there’s been a really strange atmosphere around here. Can’t put my finger on what’s wrong except to say — I know this is going to sound hysterical — I think there’s some sort of situation developing between Dave and Gids.

It could be nothing but it’s been haunting me ever since Dave got to his feet to fight Gordon armed only with a file full of dodgy jokes about Stalin (mostly Nigel’s, v poor). Given the circumstances, he did really, really well. I mean — 2p cut/10p band?! It’s all Dutch to normal people. But couldn’t Gids have passed him a little note or something?

Apparently Osbers had it all worked out in seconds. Now he’s going around with a grin like a Cheshire cat telling anyone who’ll listen how brilliant his ‘tax con’ line was. It’s been five days and he’s still banging on about it. Jed says if he doesn’t shut up about it soon he’ll give him the Television Set Standby Tax to announce just to wipe the smile off his face.

TUESDAY

Right. There’s definitely something going on. Gids has just been into the office to brief us on more Red Book boring numbers stuff and kept referring to Dave as ‘David Cameron’. Weird, weird, weird. What more proof does anyone want? They hate each other. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

WEDNESDAY Horrid casino row threatening to explode, or is it implode? Anyway, whichever is the more dramatic. Naturally Dave and Gids are at each other’s throats like pitbulls in an East End illegal fighting pit. Gids wants Manchester to get it, and Dave doesn’t. I don’t like this new Hostility Dynamic. Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, says it’s invigorating, and will stir up new and exciting energy fields.

Nigel points out that it could be briefed as yet another staging post on the Long Climb to Victory. Our very own Blair– Brown rivalry! Really grown-up, joined-up politics. Instead of the TB–GBs we will have DC–GOs. Hmm. It’s not as good, is it? Must think up something catchier to brief my tabloid paramour later.

THURSDAY Spent morning doodling on the ideas board. Wrote ‘Do-tanks not Think-tanks’. It’s not quite there. Feel I need to build on the success of my superb ‘NH-yes!’ slogan, which occurred to me, v creatively, after three Crack Babies in Boujis. You have a lot of time to think when you’re standing around in Dolce & Gabbana boots waiting for a glimpse of Prince Harry....

Great excitement: Jed confronted Gids and told him to start showing our leader some respect by calling him ‘Dave’ instead of this insulting ‘David Cameron’ nonsense. Does this mean Jed is Mandelson or Alastair now? Am retiring to Boujis with the girls to think it over....

tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk