YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I come up to London from the Kent coast fairly regularly and I am getting increasingly concerned about problems with London Underground. Although I try not to drink anything before starting my journeys, I am still petrified by the prospect of being stuck in a tube train between sta- tions for long periods of time. Where, and how, can one relieve oneself in these cir- cumstances?
P.T:, Birchington on Sea, Kent A. A portable car loo has been invented by Cliff Conway and is available from CC Products of Dorset (01202 522260) at £17 inc. p&p. Essentially this is a glorified plas- tic bag which accepts a one-way traffic of liquid into its two-litre capacity 'reservoir' through a phallus-shaped holder. A woman's version is also available. As the device is completely silent in use, it can eas- ily be adapted for tube travel — just strap it to your leg with the aid of sock garters, then put your trousers on. Should the need arise, you can wrestle in your pocket as though searching for a handkerchief, while secretly fitting the nozzle over the organ concerned. Your fellow passengers will be none the wiser as you go about achieving the type of relief you mention in your let- ter.
Q. I am a part-time lady GP with three chil- dren under the age of five, striving against all odds to maintain some semblance of civilised life in my house. After the birth of my youngest child, I was visited by a lady colleague with her youngest son, aged three. During the course of the morning, he climbed onto the kitchen table, to the dis- pleasure of my daughter, 21/2, who told me he was 'very naughty'. The same family paid a visit recently when their two older boys marched in with home-made 'bows' (as at Crecy) at of long, bent sticks. My eldest daughter promptly told them that 'we aren't allowed sticks inside the house'. No one took any notice, so I muttered some- thing to her about being polite to guests. What would you suggest as the proper response to such behaviour? They are well- meaning and kindly people, and I have to work professionally with both husband and wife, so cannot be too pointed!
Name and address withheld A. Buy some cheap cups and saucers from your local charity shop. Place these on appropriate surfaces around your rooms when next these children visit. With just a flick of your own wrist they can come crashing to the ground seconds after the children have passed them. 'Oh, don't worry — it's nothing,' you can murmur. After the third set of china goes crashing to the ground, even the most indulgent of mothers is bound to come down on her chaotic offspring and order them to sit virtually motionless until the visit is at an end.
Previous page
