Odd Men Out

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 452: Report by Russell Edwards

. C ompelitors were asked to invent a dissident body fit to rival the Flat Earth Society, and to submit'a quotation from its prospectus, outlining its aims and activities.

ALL dissenters will be sorry to learn that there was no word from the Flat Earth Society; it must, I fear, be presumed lost, at least as far as Britain is concerned. But 1 shall scan the correspondence columns of the Spectator with more than usual interest for a few months, in the hope that, in some distant region, at least one intrepid soul steadfastly refuses to accept the findings of those upstarts Copernicus and Galileo.

The defiance of facts which most people would regard as established must be, I feel, the keynote of any organisation which hopes to rival the FES. Sir Edward Pease suggested that the competition was 'a wonderful chance to air our antagonisms,' and many entries supported the abatement of various public . nuisances, notably education, equality, bureaucracy and, of course, television. But the last, for instance, hardly needs a society, so long as TV sets have on-off switches, and I passed over such bodies as insufficiently defiant. Of those which did qualify, many stuck rather too closely to the model of the FES, and quite a few gave inadequate reasons for their existence. I suggest that a subscription of two guineas apiece be sent to the societies promoted by Norah Bone and R. Kennard Davif (sic); that E. F. Choppen's group be subsidised. to the extent of one guinea, even though I did not receive a copy of its prospectus; and that the remaining guinea be phantasmally disposed of by L. S. C., who may fairly claim to be the Ultimate Dissident.

PRIZES

(NORAH BONE) SOCIETAS CIVIUM BRITANNIE ROMAN*.

(Translated from the Latin prospectus) The Society retains allegiance to Roman rule. It opposed the ignominious scuttle of the Britannic province in the fifth century, and now works for a Roman reconquest. The Headquarters is at 849 High Street, Verulamium. We regret that the temporary ascen- dancy of the insurgents of these offshore islands necessitates the addressing of correspondence to 'St. Albans'; likewise the habit of referring to the municipality in the Thames Estuary as 'London.' Equally it is unfortunate that our Caesar, Septimus Jebronius Augustus (who can trace descent from the only legionary to miss the last ship to Rome) has, under the alias of Ernest Jenkins, to work as a cashier in Londinium. His hour will come. Our greatest disappointment was Mussolini, seduced, alas, by those Goths and Vandals.

The movement's religion is Mithraic. Annual sub- scription 70 denarii. Next get-together orgy-Novem- ber 30, at the Coliseum.

(R. KENNARD DAVIS)

The fociety for the reftoration of long 'effes' dcferves the fupport of all ftudents in our fchools and univerfities. There will furely teftify that the exquithe pleafure of perufing paft ditfertations is in- ereafed by the former cuf tom to a degree that cannot ("Lay be affeffed.

The flight mental ftrain of diftinguifhing between INSECTS and INFECTS, SINS and FINS, or difcerning whether our fathers ate SOUR or FOUR grapes is itfelf a ftimulus whore value fhould not be difregarded. We propofe to iffue a feries of effeys, fermons and other difcourfes in this ftyle, fo that thole interefted may fee the refults for themfelves. We are affured of fuccefs. in the eftimation of all fenfible perfons.

(E. F. CHOPPEN)

SOCIETY FORME RESTORATION OF THE JULIAN

CALENDAR

The Julian Calendar (he said) was typically British, conceived by an early and successful visitor to Britain. Pope Gregory was an absolute foreigner. By starting the job next December 25. Christmas Day would last a fortnight. (Protesting Scot kicked out.) And we might get a White Christmas. In the year 2000 single ladies' privileges would be restored. (Cheers.) The lives of all would be extended.

To a 'questioner he said that July I was proposed as a National Holiday-St., Julian's Day. (A dissent- ing, parson was punched and kicked.) To an objector who said that chaos would overtake Continental travellers the spirited reply was, 'And serve them damn well right !'

The motto 'Alii alia faciunt' was adopted with acclaim. Some confusion exists over the date of the next meeting. (Newspaper report)

(L. s. c.) NOTHING Is!

Enlightened opinion has for many years realised the truth of non-being, but little has been done, until now, to spread the knowledge. YAT ('You Aren't There') undertakes this duty. It believes that man has too long suffered from the delusion that he exists.

Its members pledge themselves, by constant proof that they are not there, to overcome the prejudice of outmoded awareness. Even the most obstinate opposi- tion can be converted by a steady and sustained manifestation of non-existence.

JOIN NOW. Worry, care, frustration disappear in the YAT enlightenment of non-presence.

Why stub the is-less toe upon the phantasmal brick? Why bang an imagined head against the beam that isn't?

YAT, its offices, its members, its very prospectus are NOT. By its constitution they cannot BE.

YOU, TOO, CAN BE NOT THERE!