SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 174

Report by Allan M. Laing

In his book, The English Language, recently re-issued, Professor Ernest Weekley remarks that " it is quite possible, with a little in- genuity, to give an account of a day's happenings without using any other verb than to get ' " Readers were asked to submit accounts subject to this limitation, and the usual prize of £5 was offered for the most natural and entertaining paragraphs.

One result of this competition is to prove Professor Weekley's contention down to the last full stop. Some hundred competitors have proved it. A second result, probably foreseen by the erudite professor, is that one emerges from the task (as a competitor expresses it) with " a hearty dislike• for the verb to get '." Indeed, the monotony of the entries almost got me down. People got up, got to the office, got fresh with the boss, got sacked, got out and got drunk ; or, alternatively, got off with the typist and, after various adventures in " gottery," got married.

The Coronation, of course, received more attention than any other theme ; but this has been so much over-written during the last few months that no one found it possible to be really entertaining on the subject. Wedding days, picnics, motor accidents, schooldays— these were the staple of competitors' imaginings, except for one amusing entry by P. D. Nairne, on " The Day I Got to the Moon," unfortunately disqualified by a lapse into the use of the verb " to

be."

An overwhelming majority of competitors assumed, correctly, that only the words " get," " got," and " getting " were permissible as verb forms (although I did nOt bar the American " gotten "). Only a few deliberately, or by inadvertence, allowed auxiliaries to slip in, and had in consequence to be disqualified.

• It was no part of my intention to require competitors to insert as many " gets " and " gots " as possible into their paragraphs, although extra ingenuity in this respect nearly won R. J. P. Hewison a prize ; but he, like Mr. Nairne, made one fatal slip with an auxiliary. In most other cases, the attempts to break records destroyed natural- ness without providing entertainment.

Ruthlessly disqualifying competitors for this and that, I found myself with seventeen possibles, from among whom, with immense difficulty, I chose five to share the prize-money equally. Rhoda Tuck Pook wins with a brisk account of a low-class romance ; Miss J. M. Lenton is chosen as the best representative of the Jones Minor class ; D. R. Peddy for his lively account of a wedding-day ; M. Waude Gray for a pleasing, almost entirely natural and unforced essay ; and H. A. C. Evans, to whom I am grateful (a pound's worth) for relieving monotony with a chunk of entertaining doggerel.

The runners-up are R. Kennard Davis, H. H. Heslop, W. Bernard Wake, J. F. Warren and Mollie Wright. PRIZES

(RHODA TUCK POOK)

The day we got engaged—coo ! We both got the day off and got away early down to Southend. I got myself up a treat, but when we got on to the Front it got a bit showery. First me perm gets limp, and that gets me down a bit, but when a storm got up me foundation got streaky and me powder all of a dough, like. What with rouge and mascara I got a face like a' painted Indian—the very first time I got Ted to meself I

I still got the memory of his voice after all them years—" People gets married for better or worse, and if you never get no worse than this I gotta good time coming."

When we got home he got down to proposing official and we got ready for the wedding right away—honeymoon at Southend

(J. M. LENTON)

Extract from Diary of Jones Minor Monday. Get up at 7.30 and get my breakfast, get to school at five past nine late because I got a puncsher in my bycicle tire, get blown up by Shirty because I got my sums all wrong. Baby B gets two white mice from Pop Smithers and I got one in my desk, the other got away across the room Jammy was getting our English books from the cupboard she got scared and got on a chair, what a lark. Smashing game of criket after Mum got sardines far tea, get six runs and get Brown J. caught at the wiket before it gets dark. Got to get better marks for English I get told by everone so get a dairy, if 1 get it writen each day I might get better.

(D. R. PEDDY)

On my wedding day I got up at 10.30, and got washed and shaved. By 12 I had got myself up like a dog's dinner. At 1.45, sure enough, 1 got married ; during the ceremony the bride's mother got hysterics, and her sister Bertha got the giggles. We got together for the reception at the Assembly Rooms, and my father-in-law got my goat with an excessively tedious speech (getting senile, poor old boy): I got by with a few not unamusing remarks. Betty, the chief bridesmaid, got off with Fred, and Bertha and her teenager friends " got hep " with some swing records. Eventually I got browned off, and my wife and I gratefully got cracking in the car. That evening we got blotto at a roadhouse, and got arrested for dangerous driving. Next morning I got 14 days, which got me down at the time, though 1 got over it.

(M. WAUDE GRAY)

Each morning I get up only with some difficulty, a recurrent problem that few get over with real facility. Perhaps indeed only the delicious smell from the kitchen where someone is getting breakfast gets me out in the end. From this horrid moment the day slowly gets under way, a gentle morning at the office, a pleasant lunch and a quiet afternoon at the office (or maybe at golf). An observer might well get the impression of overwhelming monotony, yet 1 get a quiet satisfaction from the infinite variety of everyday work, from fresh human contacts and unexpected humour. None of Turner's blazing highlights get into this portrait of ordinary life, but rather Turner's quiet tones and Constable's patient detail. Get me no sword of high adventure, but instead a warm fire, a good book, and, maybe, a copy of the Spectator.

(H. A. C. EvANs)

Get a Load of This

You get up in the morning, with the sun all shiny bright, And, getting on your clothes, you get downstairs to get a bite, And then you get a bus or tram to get you on your way To factory or office for the business of the day. Perhaps you get a glimpse of some sweet cutie on the bus And get in conversation with the minimum of fuss. Then, when it gets to luncheon time, you get her .on the 'phone And get a quiet table for the two of you, alone. You get two theatre tickets for the fifth row of the stalls, (You really get more kick out of the vulgar Music Halls), And, when the lights get dim, you get her little hand in yours And get as full of joy as Coronation Televiewers. But now get very cautious, in this crisis of your life, Lest, ere you gel back home again, you get yourself a wife I