DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY I know I should be excited about the move to Millbank — historic landslide here we come! — but I’d just got my desk next to Jed’s office. It’s taken months of ‘edging’ at rate of one centimetre a day. Now I’ll have to start all over again. It’s sad to be leaving our traditional home above Starbucks. So much history, so many memories: the time I left a top-secret policy document on the counter, the hours spent queuing for caramel lattes. It’s the end of an era.... Dave and DD back from the East End looking v triumphant after their immigration crackdown. DD proclaimed: ‘The boy done well, he’s definitely getting the hang of it.’ Then told his latest joke, which involves putting the new border police force in Bullingdon Club tailcoats.
TUESDAY Spent morning packing. Found a mouldy chocolate orange in bottom of desk drawer. Felt bit tearful. Made me think of the old days when things were edgy and we took real risks, blazed a trail. Those were great times.
Nigel has just shown me the seating plan and it’s not good news. Am about as far as it is possible to be from Jed, and right next to Mr Letwin! ‘Well, he likes you. You’re the only one who can keep him calm when we’re putting out statements supporting marriage. When you’re not around, he hyperventilates.’ This is not fair. It was never in my job description to keep Mr Letwin from doing himself an injury.
Mr Maude gloomy after his fact-finding mission to Australia. We hid the opinion-poll charts to avoid a scene. And that stuff in the weekend papers about bloodsports.
Can’t believe Dave is into stalking — the stag variety, not the creepy man following you down the street, obviously! Mummy says I should get myself invited. ‘It’s the way to get ahead, dear.’ This is what she said about hunting. And what good did my ride with ‘that nice Greg Barker’ ever do me? A load of bruises, no promotion and poor Sesame still has flashbacks. No, I may be a country girl but I’ll leave the extreme sports to Mr Soames.
WEDNESDAY Working on our new education policy, ‘Faith schools for all’. It’s problematic, but if we shuffle things round a bit, and assuming a lot of Christians don’t mind their children learning the Koran, I think it will just about work.
V thought-provoking lecture from Jed. He says the clear lesson from this episode is that: ‘If you can’t Be The Message, you have to Make The Message You.’ This is so clever that am going to have to go away and think about it. (Hope they haven’t packed up the beanbags in the Tranquillity Room.) THURSDAY Gids in a tiz. The anons posting on conservativemoan.com are saying he should be swapped with Mr Hague. Have these people no vision? You don’t hear Mr Dolce saying: ‘Oh, I’m sick of having that Gabbana bloke around, I think I’ll bring in the man from the Freemans catalogue.’ Besides, it’s not easy coming up with an ‘ethical economic policy’ when you can’t mention tax. I’d like to see a certain Judo-obsessive try. Especially since he’s booked up with the Tommy Cobblers Speakers’ Agency till 2025.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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