Q. The other day I walked into a local restaurant
where I saw two people I usually meet up with each year at a certain house-party. They greeted me with yelps of anticipation and asked was I excited about meeting up again next month. I had to admit that no, I wasn’t excited since our host, one of my closest friends (let’s call her Janey) who I see three times a week, has not mentioned the gathering this year and I had therefore assumed it was not taking place. My exclusion from the guest-list baffles me but my conscience is clear, so I am curious rather than hurt. Has there been some sort of misunderstanding between us? How can I get to the bottom of this without going directly to Janey to seek enlightenment, where it might seem as though I were fishing for an invitation which she clearly does not wish to extend.
R.P., Dorset A. Arrange for a mutual friend to ring Janey and say something like, ‘Will you be away for your usual house-party on 17 March or can you come to supper?’ When Janey admits she will be away, the mutual friend can rejoin, ‘Then I won’t ask R.P. because no doubt she will be staying with you, as always.’ Janey’s conscience must be troubled. She would therefore welcome the chance to use a third party as a human ventilator through whom she can air her real or imaginary grievances against you. Or indeed through whom she can justify her exclusion on perhaps quite innocent grounds. Either way she will make the revelation confident in the knowledge that it will be passed directly on to you. If there have been misunderstandings you can then take steps to clear them up.
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