3 NOVEMBER 2007, Page 74

Your Problems Solved

Dear Maly Q. We live in a small flat and when we have visitors for a weekend or a few days we arrange for them to sleep in a spacious bedroom made available by a neighbour, who is also a good friend. She charges only a nominal amount, which so far we have preferred not to mention to our guests. But because it is at least partly a commercial arrangement she finds herself embarrassed by the gifts left her by grateful visitors. And then come the cards or letters, and even Christmas cards. How can we make it clear to our visitors that they need not overdo the effusions of gratitude — without their feeling mean-spirited and obliged to contribute, and without making ourselves look too grandly generous? I would be grateful for your advice.

J.D., Frankfurt am Main A. Just say, 'Our neighbour feels she owes us a small favour and she wants to pay us back by having you to stay.' This, after all, is perfectly true. There is no need to spell out what the small favour was. Smile seraphically as though being discreet. But explain to your friends that they will be giving your neighbour great satisfaction by staying with her since she will then feel she has discharged her debt to you. `So don't rob her of that satisfaction by giving her a present or anything,' you can add, again truthfully. 'She'll be much happier if you don't.'

Q. I have twice recently had my day ruined when buying train tickets and being asked whether I have a Senior Railcard. I have a good 15 years to go until I qualify for one of these. The insults were, presumably, unintentional, but all the more wounding in the knowledge that they come out of a sort of instant appraisal as one arrives at the head of the queue. If it happens again, how should I reprimand the ticket-sellers for their lack of tact without coming across as vain and pathetic?

A.K., London W8 A. These ticket-sellers were in breach of protocol. They should simply ask, 'Any Railcards?' This allows for the flattery that one might even have a Young Person's Railcard. Next time you are insulted give them a dose of their own medicine by answering, `No, I don't have a Senior Railcard. Do you?' When the inevitable reply comes, `No, I'm not old enough,' you can laugh, 'Well I'm not either How funny that we should each have thought the other one was over 60!'

Q. I am master of a hunt and with the start of the new season I wonder what to do about those members who go off-piste in their hunting attire. One member has done a Simon Callow in Four Weddings and a Funeral and wears his 'own' tartan coat. Another man has a green coat as worn by harriers. I am the master and I am in a red coat because I lead the field and need to be visible. The subscribers should be in sober black coats not least because they can cause confusion if they are mistaken for a bit of heather or a second master. How can they be tactfully made to toe the line?

Name and address withheld A. Why not have a hunt servant carry some spare black coats to the meet and offer them to those inappropriately dressed, just as waiters offer ties to those arriving at smart restaurants without one. 'I'm sure you'd be more comfortable in this, Sir,' need only be said once to get the message across.