SPECTATOR
TheOR The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL Telephone: 0171-405 1706; Fax 0171-242 0603
WHAT MR HAGUE MUSTN'T DO
Next week, when William Hague steps up to the Tory podium in Bournemouth, the Prime Minister will be in China. There are very few parts of the world that are yet to be coloured purple, denoting that they love and appreciate Tony Blair. On the wall map in No. 10, 13 out of 15 European gov- ernments are now marked as centre-left.
In the United States, Bill Clinton sup- ports the Third Way as defined by his loyal friend Tony. On a visit to Japan last year, Britain's leader was mobbed in the streets. Only China remains aloof, the People's Republic still ignorant of the charms of the People's Leader. Now, the New Deal is about to arrive at the Great Wall.
Cynics might suggest that the timing of this visit looks suspiciously like an attempt to upstage the Conservative conference. They would probably be right, but this will be scant consolation to Mr Hague,bickering with his fractious party on the south coast. Rather than lamenting the ability of this government to weave a seamless blend of spin and statesmanship, the Conservatives will do better to learn some lessons from Labour's gathering in Blackpool this week. First of all, despite Mr Blair's fighting talk of nameless critics waiting in the wings, nearly everyone has been drawn into the Blairite project. Labour's Left and the unions have stayed quiet. Debates in the conference and on the fringe have been disciplined. Even Frank Field, who recently resigned from the administration in disgust, deliv- ered a 15-minute homily on the importance of supporting Labour in power. Tony's party has become a broad church, as a party of government must. At every level, the talk was of the need to stick together. This is a lesson that the Conservatives, who consider that they are the natural administrators of Britain, must relearn if they are to return to power. The leadership must show determination, without alienat- ing significant sections of the party. In return, the party should copy Labour in that those members who disagree with the decisions of the majority should, without abandoning their principles, keep quiet about it. In a recent poll of Conservative constituency chairmen, most hoped that, should Mr Hague win his referendum on Europe, Mr Heseltine and Mr Clarke would stop commenting on the subject. But they insisted that even if the Europhiles went on making trouble, Mr Hague should not take action against them.
The shadow Cabinet must also present a united front. In his conference speech, Mr Blair was able to claim that Conservative health and education spokesmen had con- demned him for not spending enough money, while 'their leader denounces us for spending too much'. Sadly, he was right.
Labour's return to power was only possi- ble because Gordon Brown was able to stop his colleagues making spending pledges. Francis Maude must follow his example, becoming another iron shadow chancellor. Faced with a hostile nation and an indifferent media, the Tory team has few chances to attract attention. They must be consistent.
There is one final lesson to be learnt from Blackpool. Do not make the mis- takes that Labour is making. Do not imag- ine that giving local authorities more power will help schools. Do not think that abolishing hereditary peers without a full reform of the Lords is acceptable. Do not believe that Scotland can be given devolu- tion without it then demanding indepen- dence. Do not try to govern a country with slogans. Principles are better. Labour is not perfect, and the Tories' chance will come.
Researchers have apparently made a breakthrough in the search for a way to prevent people from snoring. Dentists have invented a device, worn in the mouth like a gumshield, that is said to reduce sig- nificantly the disturbing sounds made by noisy sleepers.
Snoring appears to be much in the pub- lic domain of late. William Hague's wife Ffion has told how her husband's recent sinus operation had the happy effect happy for her, that is — of introducing a certain quietude to their marital nights together.
We protest, however, at this concerted onslaught on the ancient practice of snor- ing. To be allowed to snore in peace, free from the interference of science (and politi- cal spouses), is surely one of the rights of freeborn Englishmen and women, to be classed alongside that of habeas corpus. Snoring not only provides husbands and wives with a reliable subject of argument — less contentious than money, less acri- monious than sex — but has been a staple of writers attempting to conjure up the domestic scene. The snores of favourite characters in Dickens and Trollope, the detailed descriptions of those sounds as if each were emitted from a different musical instrument, provide English literature with some of its most memorable passages. A moulded mouthpiece resembling a medi- aeval scold's bridle is a poor substitute.
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