YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am contemplating travel abroad with my recently retired, 60-year-old, proud and not well-off bachelor cousin who has been an ever-present Christmas and summer house guest here these past 25 years. The certainty of having to share both room accommodation and lengthy times together on these eagerly anticipated jaunts (he is good company) is dulling my expectations. He seems to have carried forward the wartime recommendation by the Ministry of Something or Other that subjects should take a bath only once per week. My wife's consistent clever cajolings over the years, that being in first will guarantee the hot water, have all been to no avail — we have never yet seen him take the plunge! I should be far too embarrassed to ask him to shower every day when we are together, or even to hint at this: he might think that I think he stinks, which he doesn't — he's just a tiny bit pongy at times. Mary, what ruse might I adopt when we are in our twin room together for the first time, bearing in mind we are dealing here with the ingrained habits of a self-centred lifetime?
Name and address withheld A. The interesting thing is that, were your cousin to be stripped down to his birthday suit and given a full sanitary inspection, you might well find little to offend. Some people simply do not effluviate to the extent that others — especially those who wash a lot do. The smell of bachelors is more often the result of their having done washing up and cooking in heavy, absorbent clothes which have retained the odours. The solution, therefore, is to collude in advance with the manager of the first hotel you are to stay at so that you can tell your cousin that 'they are doing a special promotion — everything in your suitcase will be cleaned and pressed free of charge to show off the superb laun- dry service they operate — do bring all your grubbiest clothes., I'm going to.' In anticipa- tion of enjoying the rest of your jaunt odour-free, you will settle up the laundry charges from your own pocket.
Q. May I suggest another way of deliver- ance for Parsimonious of Iceland (22 August)? There is a simple way to deal with these intimidating shop assistants who inflict feelings of guilt about the disposal of small change. Having been faced with this dilemma in the past, I now adopt a mode of attack which always works. I politely ask them to put the change in the charity box or offer to do so myself. There are nearly always one or two on the counter top. If you are tartly told that there isn't one, sug- gest to them that it would be a good idea to get one. There is no answer to that.
C.V.E., Hazlemere, Bucks A. Thank you for your valued contribution.
Q. My husband and I managed to skip most of the Clinton revelations, but we couldn't avoid seeing the headlines outside filling stations, etc., and hearing people talk about them. The embarrassing images conjured up each time we go to bed have contrived to put us both off sex. What should we do?
D.S., London SW5 A. The Clinton revelations have acted as a world-wide naffrodisiac. However, when in the throes of food poisoning we are certain we will never regain our appetites, yet we do. Gastroenteritics must allow the stomach a rest until nausea and vomiting subside. Equally victims of the recent embarrass- ments should refrain from normal physio- romantic activities until the haunting images from the White House have had time to fully subside from their consciousness.
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