DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY
We have to stop Gordon from stealing the environment! It was Dave’s idea to save the planet. It’s theft, pure and simple, what Labour is doing. Jed has written ‘Ownership’ in big green letters on the whiteboard. We’ve all got to come up with five ideas (why is it always five of everything in politics?) on how to remind people that tackling climate change was our policy in the first place. Have nearly done mine: spray-paint our offices bright green; promise to tax people until the pips squeak (think we may have already said that); ban gas-guzzling 4x4s from the Commons carpark (this is tricky because half the front bench would not be able to get to work and nor would I); introduce independently monitored credit system for use of the frappuccino machine — ‘frap and trade’! Obviously the latter would be by far the bravest option, given our party’s newly deepseated links with the frothy coffee industry.
TUESDAY Still no idea how our MPs will vote in Iraq debate. Foxy told morning meeting he’ll resign if we side with the anti-war lot. Dave muttered, ‘That’s one obvious advantage, then.’ Miaow! Mr Hague came in an hour late. Something about a top-level, unavoidable speaking engagement at the Association of Master Shopfitters. He told everyone to stop making decisions because ‘that’s precisely what they want us to do. By not deciiiiiiiding which way to vote we will completely wrongfoot the government and secure a great triiiiumph for democracy! Mmmm.’ Then he left for lunch at the Guild of Professional Magicians’ Assistants. Nigel says most shocking thing about Iraq is that Ken Clarke was right about something. ‘We’ll be finding out we should have joined the euro next!’ Says it’s best not even to begin wondering what Sir Malcolm Rifkind might have been right about. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. WEDNESDAY Letters and emails still pouring in about Mr Barker’s super new orientation. All supportive. Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, thinks now might be a good time to offer career incentives for Closet Emergence. ‘Try to get everybody out by spring next year say. That way we could hit our Stonewall target two years ahead of schedule!’ Jed bit concerned we will end up looking ‘too gay’. Sherwood says there is no such thing as ‘too gay’, and he will take anyone who dares to intimate as much to a tribunal faster than you can say ‘Osborne & Little flocked wallpaper’.
THURSDAY
Horrid Stern. They only chose him because he’s got a name that makes the report sound serious. Have had to part with the Range Rover Vogue. It was just too much trouble parking miles from the office and getting a bus in case anybody saw it. V poignant moment as emptied Sesame’s horsey stuff out of boot. It’s going to a good home though: Aileen from the village needs it to transport her golden retrievers to Wibberley Woods twice a day for their walkies. Daddy said, ‘I think that’s what you call a carbon pawprint.’ Very droll. Still, nice to have a clear conscience, and the new Smart car is adorable. Even if you do have to make four trips to pick up your shopping.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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