Forty-two per cent in Swindon

AFTERTHOUGHT JOHN WELLS and JOHN FORTUNE

It has been estimated that if all the pyjama cords at present in use in this country were taken out and laid end to end there would be many red faces in Billericay, to name but one of our mar- ginal constituencies. Similarly it has been cal- culated that nothing less than a massive 5 per cent swing to nightshirts could mitigate this sense of having been let down' by long-held Conservative usages. Such findings are inevit- ably the fruit of sustained probes, now being conducted with ever-increasing ferocity by the psychologists, the macintoshed elite known simply as 'the Young Pollcats.' Picture a scene in the operating theatre of St Wenceslas' Hospi- tal E23, where Sir Russell Nest-Featherer has his scalpel poised to make the first incision in a body transplant. He is approached by a robed and masked figure carrying a clipboard.

Masked Figure: Excuse me, Sir Russell, I am from the National Prejudice Poll. I realise that you are about to make a drastic attempt on the World Transplant Record—it's down to twenty seconds of active life before death sets in, isn't it, sir?—but before you commence your whirl- ing gestures, perhaps you could take time out to answer a few questions. If it takes Edward Heath four and a half hours to fill a bath, how long will it take a child of three?

Sir Russell: A minute and a half.

Masked Figure: Thank you. Will you go on for the second question?

Sir Russell: Of course, of course.

Masked Figure: What colour do you asso- ciate with Sir Gerald Nabarro? Answer 'yes' or `no.'

Sir Russell: A sort of slimy, viscous terre verte.

Masked Figure: I did ask for a 'yes' or `no,' sir.

Sir Russell: Get out of my operating theatre. Masked Figure: I'll put you down as `don't know,' sir. Help. Help. Leggo, etc.

Not that all of the interviews conducted by National Prejudice Polls are as easy as this one. Poll Gatherers have often to work under diffi- cult and dangerous conditions. Like, for ex- ample, Gallery Z at the Firedamp Colliery, County Durham. A helmeted figure bearing a clipboard approaches a recumbent miner oper- ating a drill at the coalface.

Helmeted Figure: Good afternoon, sir. Which of Beethoven's later quartets gives you the big- gest bang?

Miner: Number Sixteen in F Major.

Helmeted Figure: Excellent. Who would you like to see as Minister of Fun in a coalition government? Diana Dors, George Brown, or Edmundo Ros?

Miner: I think Lord Goodman is a very able man. Helmeted Figure: Indeed. Which of the fol- lowing is out of place: Enoch Powell, Vanessa Redgrave, Old Mother Riley?

Miner: Undecided.

Helmeted Figure: Which of the undermen- tioned would you prefer to see occupying the next bed to you in a Work and Study Dormi- tory: Barbara Castle, Margaret Drabble or King Kong?

Miner: What you said, the latter.

Helmeted Figure: How many Opinion Poll Researchers have visited you in the last three days?

Miner: Eighty-one!

Helmeted Figure: Watch what you're doing with that power drill. Help. Help. Leggo, etc.

The material has to be collated. This takes place in the headquarters of the National Preju- dice Poll, Blessam Hall, nestling on 0.0048 per cent of the Sussex Downs. As soon as the papers arrive, they are burnt. In the Great Hall, the director, Ahmed Nazir, Knight Commander of the British Empire, sits casting the runes. His assistant, Grand Vizier Earnest Dowland, is examining the entrails of a budgerigar.

Ahtned: Tell me. ineffably mysterious brother, what forbidden realms of the occult shall we explore this day?

Grand Vizier: (Picking up telegram) Hogg Support in Bath.

Ahmed: Allah be praised. Goody goody. (He blindfolds a guinea pig). Go, amiable pig, and squat upon the number of your choice. (A pause).

Grand Vizier: Has he squatted, Oh Wise One?

Ahmed: Squatted is putting it mildly. If you will bring a dampened cloth we will read the number.

Grand Vizier: What is the number, Effendi?

Ahmed: A thousand devils alight upon my head! Zero! This cannot be right. The Conser- vative Party Central Office always pays its bills on time. Perhaps the pig is indisposed. What say the entrails, Grand Vizier? (A pause).

Grand Vizier: Ninety-three per cent, Alhaji. Ahmed: Allah be praised! The answer at last. Now all we need is the questions.

National Prejudice Polls have been criticised for their determining effect on subsequent voting patterns. Ahmed Nazir would be the first to dispute this. He sees himself and his organisa- tion, or 'sect' as he would call it, as being the diligent servants of those who seek his advice, never their masters. He himself cites the ex- - ample of a recent by-election at which over 100 per cent of the electorate, according to the NPP, confidently expected the victory of Attila the Hun and the Frangipanes, whereas, in fact: Mrs Winifred Ewing carried off the palm. Looking ahead, it seems possible that a time will come when National Prejudice Polls will lose their charisma for governed and governors alike, when people will lose their curiosity about the future: as, for example, upon the election as Prime Minister of the Rt Edward Heath, or when people get fed up with being accosted by importunate pollsters in the street, and decline to answer their questions.