YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. A school-teacher colleague recently attended a Chippendales' concert' organ- ised as an end-of-term outing by a female member of the school staff, a physical edu- cation teacher who is a militant feminist and (inexplicably) a member of her village Women's Institute. She led my colleague to believe that the Chippendales were a troupe of light entertainers, offering a gen- teel evening of 18th-century music and dance. She claimed later, unconvincingly to my. mind, to have been confused by the Chippendale label and its connotation with the renowned 18th-century furniture designer. Imagine my colleague's distress on finding herself trapped one Saturday night in the front row of a packed dance hall of dubious repute, staring at a male Strip show of unrestrained lewdness and vulgarity. Somehow, though, she managed to endure three hours of this entertain- ment, but towards the close two terrible events occurred. Intoxicated by the feverish atmosphere, my colleague foolishly allowed herself to respond to the performers' seductive cries for volunteers to assist them With their garish climax. Thus, throwing all caution — and an undergarment — to the wind, she fatally mounted the stage. Now the second terrible event occurred. Locked in the bronzed arms of a loin-clothed Chip- pendale, she tore her gaze from his to look down into the crowded auditorium. To her apoplectic consternation, she now found herself staring into the camera lens of a particularly abhorrent and troublesome boy from her school. (This boy was recently expelled from the Scouts for some undis- closed offence.) My colleague fears black- mail. She believes the boy may approach the tabloids with his photograph. Already she has encountered him loitering outside her classroom, ostentatiously reading the Sun newspaper. She interprets this as a veiled threat. My colleague urgently needs a convincing story to satisfy parents as to why she was discovered in the early hours, in a seedy, public dance hall, wearing immodest dress and in the embrace of a near naked male. She is also worried that the incident, if it should enter the public domain, may dash her hope of becoming head of her religious studies department. Mary, can you help?
R.B., West Country A. Your colleague should call the boy's bluff by approaching him and asking, 'By any chance did you get some pictures of me the other night? We want them for the school magazine.' She should chuckle as she makes the request and explain that she is trying to put together a fun quiz in the magazine which will show each member of staff in the mode which most contrasts with their true nature and in which they are least likely ever to appear in real life. The pupils will then be asked to identify these teachers in their baffling disguises and there will be a prize of 110 for the winner. 'Someone was taking pictures for me,' she can say, 'but sadly she exposed the film.' Once having gained possession of the prints and nega- tives, she can destroy them 'accidentally'.
Mary Killen
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