YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. While my late father-in-law was recover- ing from a stroke several years ago, he and I were taking tea alone. In his confusion he started talking, in the third person, about What a super chap his son-in-law was (i.e. Myself). He then turned to me and asked Whether I agreed. I replied that I was sure he was right, but what is the correct eti- quette should one find oneself in this kind of tricky situation in future?
R. C., Cambridgeshire A. To agree with the confused ramblings of stroke victims is unhelpful since it promotes further confusion. Better to jog them polite- ly. In your own case, for example, you could have said, 'I'm sorry. I stopped concentrating for a moment. What were you saying? Who did you say said that I was a super chap?'
Q. I would enjoy wine with dinner more if it did not occasion a regular argument with my wife. She thinks I am both extravagant and a wine snob because I refuse to drink Wine opened the previous day. Moreover, she insists I must not broach a new bottle until the old one is finished. How can I put a stop to this nonsense? Now that I am 47 surely I should no longer be required to relive in my marriage former contests with Nanny in the nursery over the uneaten rice Pudding?
.1.E., London A. You have not said whether your wife drinks wine too. If so, the problem is easily solved. Simply purchase a set of large gob- lets of the type known in the Fifties as `deb's deceivers'. These can comfortably hold up to half a bottle of wine at a time while still looking innocuous. Splash the old wine into your wife's glass, then open a new bottle and fill up your own. If your wife does not drink, then circumvent the problem by buying your wine by the case. In this way you can dis- creetly open a new bottle and partly decant it to the level of that left in the previous night's identical-looking bottle. Then sit back and enjoy the freshly opened bottle free from the risk of scolding. Act daft if your wife keeps finding spare deb's deceivers full of wine behind curtains, on high shelves etc. Say, `So that's where I left it!' It must be added, however, that many oenophiles prefer wine opened the previous day. They consider that the texture — par- ticularly of good claret — becomes even more luxuriant. Perhaps you are missing out? Q. You recently recommended the wear- ing of a knuckle-duster to prevent unwant- ed handshakes (15 January). For those for whom such apparel might seem out of character, might I suggest a ploy which I found useful in India? As a tourist, one is subject to many earnest invitations to shake hands, some of which are motivated by mercenary rather than altruistic motives and waste a great deal of time. I took to responding to the proffered hand by clasping my hands in prayer in the Hindu fashion and saying, `Namaste', thus both demonstrating cultural sensitivity and being able to walk on without pause. Some excuse about the day in question being a Hindu festival or one's fascination with the customs of the East could be used to adapt this strategy for use at Occidental parties.
D..1.M, London Ni A. Thank you for your tip. My correspon- dent wished to avoid over-hearty hand- shaking which might set back the recovery of his recently broken wrist. Sadly, howev- er, the pretentiousness of the gesture you suggest would serve only to alienate the worthy. On the other hand it could be an invaluable device for unnerving dullards introduced at parties, or those with a hid- den agenda to plug themselves or some product they are 'representing'.
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