YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. As the private secretary to a senior international statesman in Brussels, I am invited to a number of cocktail parties at the elegant residences of diplomatic col- leagues. At one such occasion, our host had provided plates of excellent but unpitted black olives; thoughtfully, little bowls were also available to deposit the stones. In the dim light, the ambassador to whom I was talking mistook a bowl of sucked olive stones for some kind of delicious nibble and popped a handful into his mouth, to his sudden and immediate discomfiture. I had insufficient time to warn him and could not resort to the classic diversionary tactic of spilling my drink for fear of (a) looking a fool and (b) ruining my host's rather fine Persian rugs. All I could do was to pretend not to notice. Mary, what should my reac- tion have been, and what course should the poor unfortunate have followed when he realised that his mouthful of pistachios had, as it were, turned to stone? A.M., Brussels A. As private secretary the correct drill would have been for you to simulate merri- ment, say, 'I've made exactly the same mis- take myself!' while simultaneously proffer- ing the bowl from whence the stones came and mimicking buccal expulsion.
Q. A dear friend of mine who could do with some extra income is sitting on a gold mine. He owns a property in the South of France to which he goes himself about five weeks per year. The rest of the time the house lies empty. Despite the fact that letting this charming property, complete with pool, sun terrace, exquisite furnishings etc., could generate, at the very least, £500 a week, my friend will not put it on the books of an agency since, he says, 'they will take a 20 per cent cut'. As a consequence he does not let it at all but sits back hoping that friends of friends will approach him directly. The property is empty roughly 45 weeks a year. Incidentally, he will not advertise either in a publication such as your own — the fee would be nugatory — because he does not want to pay the cost of the advert. How can I make my dear friend see sense?
M.W., Marlborough, Wilts A. Wave f400 in cash in your friend's face. Then quip the following epigram: 'Eight per cent of £500 is f400, but 80 per cent of nothing is nothing.'
Q. An elderly friend has developed a habit of barking 'What?' when his interlocutor is midway through a sentence. As I will short- ly be going on holiday with him, can you suggest a cure, Mary?
C.D.T., St Albans A. Repeat the half-sentences, e.g. 'We must buy some . . . ', but do not finish them. This method should soon teach him to mend his ways.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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