SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 170

Report by John Barlow Prizes were offered for two limericks (unlimited entry) on any of these twelve London areas, the appended rhyme-word to be used once : Bayswater (daughter), Belgravia (pallor), Chiswick (physic), Greenwich (spinach), Ham—East, West or plain (slam), Kew (knew), Maida Vale (fail), Merton (certain), Rotherhithe (lithe), Shoreditch (rich), Staines (brains), Wembley (assembly).

Contemporary lore has it that all the memorable limericks, apart from those of Edward Lear, Norman Douglas and Ronald Knox, are made up either by dons or stockbrokers—the latter producing the printable variety. Amongst the handsome entry for this com- Petition there was little evidence, either internal or circumstantial, of donnishness or stockbrokery. Myself a very indifferent per- former at this basically English pastime, I was impressed by the ingenuity shown in manipulating the names and attached rhyme- Words of the twelve London areas. But after my twentieth con- junction of Bayswater-daughter or Staines-brains I saw more and more clearly that any memorable limerick is a subtle concoction of elements held in a state of delicate equilibrium by—what ? The successful limerick is very elusive of definition, but it must, I think, be fantastic to absurdity ; must have a stroke of true ingenuity in the rhyming ; must say, completely, something about the character or situation described. Possibly also it should involve a pun of a sufficiently breath-taking idiocy to be instantly memorable.

Entries sometimes reached twenty examples. Many entrants sent one limerick on each of the twelve place-names ; one sent double-limericks on six of the names, and everybody sent the required two. (The printing error regarding the closing date of entries was taken into account ; special thanks for all the letters apologising for late entry owing to this error.) Technique, however, isn't enough ; quite a number put themselves out of the running at once by reckless excess of syllables in lines three and four of their entries. Nearly everyone arrived at some odd set of circumstances in which the ever-popular old ladies, curates, artists, duchesses, students, &c., found themselves ; but the majority were completely unmemorable.

The general average .amongst those surviving a weeding-out of the technically false and the plainly incomplete entries was of a slogging, solid, schoolboyish competence. In order of locality, Belgravia, Staines and Chiswick were top favourites, and the comparatively Proletarian areas of Shoreditch and Rotherhithe attracted the smallest entry. A number of competitors hit the outer ring and a number achieved magpies, but nobody, in my estimation, got a single bullseye. Here are some of the best of the singletons :

A tipsy young chemist of Chiswick

Decided he needed a physic, But white arsenic he took For magnesia mistook ;

There was a young chemist of Chiswick.

A quiz-master living in Staines Was a lifelong observer of trains, Till one day he forgot

To keep clear of the " Scot," Which effectively cudgelled his brains.

There was a rich man of Belgravia Who took up the art of the paviour His hall, it was stated, Was all tessellated With damsels of doubtful behaviour.

The people who live in Belgravia Are known for nice speech and behaviour.

Folks with no savvy Call a road-mender " navvy,"

But there he's described as a paviour. (A. M. SAYERS.)

An inventor who lives at West Ham Has produced an amphibious pram And a howitzer-thing To shoot moths on the wing, And a quilt-covered door that won't slam. (W. R. S. ROBERTON.)

Two competitors flattered the setter by offering limericks in which he was chidden for setting " paviour " as the rhyme-word for

,1, Belgravia " ; and a Spectator personality was celebrated as follows :

(P. H. WADDINUION.) (D. L. L. CLARKE.) (T. JOHNSON.)

One day at a Cup Tie at Wembley Mr. Mallalieu joined the assembly.

But Huddersfield Town At half-time were five down ; And did he• look pale, drawn and trembly I (GRAHAME REID.)

Finally, every one of the total entry was carefully read and re- read, though some of the 400-plus " limericks " submitted didn't even come into the category, technically speaking. Only two entrants hit off two finally-acceptable examples, and I. C. Evans and " Pibwob " divide the prize-money for the following : ' PRIZES I. C. EVANS A film censor, retired, in Belgravia, Now defaces the art of the paviour, Chalking words none may print, But which do seem to hint

At erratic erotic behaviour.

I once knew a spinster of Staines ;

And a spinster that lady remains.

She's no figure : no looks : Neither dances nor cooks ;

And, most ghastly of all, she has brains.

" PIBWOB "

A Duchess escaped from Belgravia To espouse an itinerant paviour ; Her notion that blue blood Needs fusion with new blood Explains her eugenic behaviour.

Vegetarians settled in Greenwich Subsist on raw lentils and spinach ; They modestly mention That flesh-pot abstention Betokens patrician lineage.