MAY 7TH, 1915.
IN New York during the weeks preceding the last voyage of the Lusitania ' there was much gossip of submarines. It was freely stated and generally believed that a special effort was to be made to sink the great Ctmarder, so as to inspire the world with terror. She, was at that time the largest passenger boat afloat. The few pre-War passenger boats. of greater. tonnage had been commandeered for War service of various kinds.
On Saturday, May 1st (the day on which the' Lusi- tania ' was to sail), in order that there might be no mistake as to German intentions, the German Embassy at Washington issued a warning to passengers couched in general terms, which was printed in the New York morning papers directly under the notice of the sailing of the Lusitania.' The first-class passengers, who were not due on board till about ten o'clock, had still time after, reading the warning, unmistakable in form and position, to cancel their passage if they chose. For the third-class passengers it came too late. As a matter of fact, I believe that no British, and scarcely any American, pas- sengers acted on the warning, but we were most of us very fully conscious of the risk we were running. A number of people wrote farewell letters to their home folk and posted them in New York to follow on another vessel.
There were some two thousand people aboard altogether, counting passengers and crew. Curiously enough, there were a large number of children on the passenger list. - noticed this with some surprise. I think that the explana- tion lay in the fact that a number of the families of Canadians serving in the War were .coming over to join them just then.
My father and I made friends with our table neighbours, an American doctor coming over on Red Cross service and his young sister-in-law who had enrolled as a nurse. We used to discuss our chances. "I can't help hoping," said the girl, "that we get some sort of thrill going up the Channel."
We were due to arrive in Liverpool on Saturday, May 8th, and we had all imagined that the attempt would be made in the Irish Sea during our last night. We were wrong. On the Friday afternoon, at about two o'clock, we were off the south-west coast of Ireland (the Old Head of Kinsale was visible in the distance) ; my father and I had just come out of the dining-room after lunching and were strolling into the lift on " D " deck. "I think we might stay up on deck to-night and see if we get our thrill," he said. I had no time to answer. There was a dull, thud-like, not very loud but unmistakable explosion. It seemed to come from a little below us and about the middle of the vessel on the port side (that was the side towards the land). I turned and came out of the lift ; somehow the stairs seemed safer. My father walked over to look out of a porthole ; I did not wait. I had days before made up my mind that if anything happened one's instinct would be to make straight for the boat deck (it is a horrible feeling to stay under cover even for a few moments in a boat that may be sinking), but that one must control that and go first to one's cabin to fetch one's lifebelt and then on to the boat deck. As I ran up the stairs the boat was already heeling over. As I ran I thought, "I wonder I'm not more frightened," and then, "I'm beginning to get frightened but I mustn't let myself."
My cabin was on " B " deck some way down a passage. On my -way I met a stewardess ; by this time the boat had heeled over very, much, and as we each ran along holding the rail on the lower side of the passage we collided and wasted a minute or so making polite apologies to each other.
I collected my lifebelt (the " Boddy " belt provided by the Cunard Company). On my way back I ran into my father's cabin and took out one of his belts, fearing that he might be occupied with his papers and forget to fetch one for himself. Then I went up on to " A " deck (the boat deck). Here there was, of course, a choice of sides. I chose the starboard side, feeling that it would somehow be safer to be as far away from the submarine as possible. The side further from the submarine was also the higher out of the water, as the boat had listed over towards the side on which she had been hit and the deck was now slanting at a considerable angle.
As I came out into the sunlight I saw standing together the American doctor, Dr. F., and his sister-in-law, Miss C. I asked if I might stay beside them until I caught sight of my father, which I made sure of doing soon. I put on My own lifebelt and held the other in my hand. Just after I reached the deck a stream of steerage passengers came rushing up from below and fought their way into the boat nearest us, which was being lowered. They were white- faced and terrified ; I think they were shrieking ; there was no kind of order—the strongest got there first, the weak were pushed aside. Here and there a man had his arm round a woman's waist and bore her along with him ; but there were no children to be seen, no children could have lived in that throng. They rusked the boat before it was ready for them. A ship's officer made some feeble effort -to prevent them, but there was no real attempt at order or discipline. As we watched I turned to the American girl. . . . "I always thought a shipwreck was a well-organized affair." "So did I," said she, "but I've learnt a devil of a lot in the last five minutes." Two seamen began to lower the boat, which was full to over- flowing, but no one was in command of them. One man lowered his end quickly, the other lowered his end slowly ; the boat was almost in a perpendicular position when it reached the water. Half the people fell out, but the boat did not capsize, and I think most of them scrambled back afterwards. I don't know. We turned- away and did not look. It was not safe to look at horrible things just then. Curious that it never for a moment struck any of us as possible to attempt to get into the boat ourselves. Even at that moment death would have seemed better than to make part of that terror-infected crowd. I remember regretfully thinking something of the sort.
That was the last boat I saw lowered. It became impossible to lower any more from our side owing to the list on the ship. No one else except that white-faced stream seemed to lose contra A number of people were moving about the deck,- gently and vaguely. They reminded one of a swarm of bees who do not know where the queen has gone. Presently Dr. F. decided to go down and fetch lifebelts for himself and his sister-in-law. Whilst he was away the vessel righted herself perceptibly and word was passed round that the bulkheads had been closed and the danger was over. We laughed and shook hands, and I said, "Well, you've had your thrill all right." "I never want another," she answered. Soon afterwards the doctor returned bearing two lifebelts. He said he had had to wade through deep water down below to get them.
Whilst we were standing I unhooked my skirt, so that it should come straight off and not impede me in the water. The list on the ship soon got worse again, and, indeed, became very bad. Presently, Dr. F. said he thought we had better jump into the sea. (We had thought of doing so before, but word had been passed round from the captain that it was better to stay where we were.) Dr. F. and Miss C.* moved towards the edge of the deck where the boat had been and there was no railing. I followed them, feeling frightened at the idea of jumping so far (it was, I believe, some sixty feet nor- mally from " A " deck to the sea), and telling myself how ridiculous I was to have a physical fear of the jump when we stood in such grave danger as we did. I think others must have had the same fear, for a little crowd stood hesitating on the brink and kept me back. . And then suddenly I saw that the water had come over on to the deck. We were not, as I had thought, sixty feet above the sea ; we were already under the sea. I saw the water green just about up to my. knees. I do not remember its coming up further ; that must all have happened in a second. The ship sank and one was sucked right down with her.
The next thing I can remember was being deep down under the water. It was very dark ; nearly black. I fought to come up. I was terrified of being caught on some part of the ship and kept down. That was the worst moment of terror, the only moment of acute terror, that I knew. My wrist did catch on some rope. I was scarcely aware of it at the time, but I have the mark on me to this day. At first I swallowed a lot of water ; then I remembered that I had read that one should not swallow
• They were both saved.
water, so I shut my mouth. Something bothered me in my right hand and prevented me striking out with it ; I discovered that it was the lifebelt I had been holding for my father. I let it go. As I reached the surface I grasped a little bit of board, quite thin, a few inches wide and perhaps two or three feet long. I thought this was keeping me afloat I was wrong. My most excellent lifebelt was doing that.
Everything that happened after one had been sub- merged was a little misty and vague ; one was slightly stupefied from then on. When I came to the surface I found that I formed part of a large, round, floating island composed of people and clibris of all sorts, lying so close together that at first there was not very much water hoticeable in between. People, boats, hencoops, chairs, rafts, boards, and goodness knows what besides, all floating cheek by jowl. A man with a white face and a yellow moustache came and held on to the other end of tny board. I did not quite like it, for I felt it was not large enough for two, but I did not feel justified in objecting. Every now and again he would try and move round towards my end of the board. This frightened me ; I scarcely knew why at the time (I was probably quite right to be frightened ; it is likely enough that he wanted to hold on to me). I summoned up my strength—to speak was an effort—and told him to go back to his own end, so that we might keep the board properly balanced. He said nothing and just meekly went back. After a while- I noticed that he had disappeared. I don't know what had happened to him. He may have gone off to a hencoop which was floating near by. I. don't know whether he had a lifebelt on or not. Somehow I think not.
Many people were praying aloud in a curious, unemo- tional monotone ; "others were shouting for help in much the same slow, impersonal chant Bo-----at . . . . bo—at . . . . bo—at. . . ." I shouted for a minute or two, but it was obvious that there was no chance of any boat responding, so I soon desisted. One or two boats were visible, but they were a long way away from where I was and clearly had all they could do to pick up the people close beside them. So far as I could see they did not appear to be moving much. By and by my legs got bitterly cold, and I decided to try and swim to a boat so as to get them out of the cold water, but it was a big effort swimming (I can normally swim a few hundred yards, but I am not an expert swimmer). I only swam a few strokes and almost immediately gave up the attempt, because I did not see how I could get along without letting go of my piece of board, which nothing would have induced me to abandon.
There was no acute feeling of fear whilst one was floating in the water. I can remember feeling thankful that I had not been drowned underneath but had reached the surface safely, and thinking that even if the worst happened there could be nothing unbearable to go through now that my head was above the water. One's lifebelt held one up in a comfortable sitting position with one's head lying rather back, as if one were in a hammock. One was a little dazed and rather stupid and vague. I doubt whether any of the people in the water were acutely frightened or in any consciously unbearable agony of mind. When Death is as close as he was then the sharp agony of fear is not there ; the thing is too overwhelming and stunning for that. One had the sense of something taking care of one—I don't mean in the sense of protecting one from death : rather of death Itself being a benignant power. At moments I wondered Whether the whole thing was perhaps a nightmare from which I should wake, and once—half laughing, I think—I wondered. lookin2 round on the sun and vale blue slor and calm sea, whether I had reached heaven without knowing it—and devoutly hoped I hadn't.
One was acutely uncomfortable, no more than that. A discomfort due mainly to the intense cold, but further—in my case, at least—to the fact that, being a very bad sailor, when presently a little swell got up I was sea-sick. I remember as I sat in the water I thought out an improve- ment which I considered should be adopted in the case of all lifebelts. There should be, I thought, a little bottle of chloroform strapped into each belt, so that one could inhale it and lose consciousness when one wished to. I must have been exceedingly uncomfortable before I thought of that.
The swell of the sea had the effect of causing the close- packed island of wreckage and people to drift apart Presently I was a hundred yards or more away from any- one else. I looked up at the sun, which was high in the sky, and wished that I might lose consciousness. I don't know how long after that it was that I did lose it, but that is the last thing I remember in the water.
The next thing I remember is lying naked between blankets on a deck in the dark. (I was, I discovered later, on a tiny patrol steamer named 'The Bluebell.') Every now and again a sailor came and looked at me and said, "That's better." I had a vague idea that something had happened, but I thought that I was still on the deck of the Lusitania,' and I was vaguely annoyed that my own stewardess should not be attending to me instead of some unknown sailor. Gradually memory came back. The sailor offered me a cup of lukewarm tea, which I drank (we were on a teetotal vessel). There 'did not seem much wrong with me except that my whole body was shaking violently and my teeth were chattering like castanets. as I had never supposed teeth could chatter, and that I had a violent pain in the small of my back which I suppose was rheumatism. The sailor said he thought I had better go below, as it would be warmer. "We left you up here to begin with," he explained, "as we thought you were dead and it did not seem worth while cumbering up the cabin with you." There was some discussion as to how to get me down the cabin stairs. "It took three men to lift you on board," someone explained. I said that I thought I could walk ; so, supported on either arm and with a third man holding back my dripping hair, I managed to get down. I was put into the captain's bunk, from whence someone rather further recovered was ejected to make room for me. The warmth below was delicious ; it seemed to make one almost delirious. I should say that almost all of us down there (I don't know how many rescued were on board ; I can remember noticing about five or six, but probably there were thirty or forty) were a little drunk with the heat and the light and the joy of knowing ourselves to be alive. We were talking at the tops of our voices and laughing a great deal. At one time I was talking and laughing with some woman when a sailor came in and asked if we had lost anyone in the wreck. I can remember the sudden sobering with which we answered. I did not then know what had happened to my father : she was almost sure that her husband was drowned. He was, she had already told me (there are no veils just after a shipwreck), all she had in the world. It seemed that his loss probably meant the breaking up of her whole life, yet at that moment she was full of cheerfulness and laughter.
I can remember two exceptions to the general merri- ment. The captain of the Lusitania ' was amongst those rescued on our little boat, but I never heard him speak. The other exception was a woman, who sat silent in the outer cabin. Presently she began to speak. Quietly, gently, in a low rather monotonous voice, she described how she had lost her child. She had, so far as I can now recollect, been made to place him on a raft, which, owing to some mismanagement, had capsized. She considered that his death had been unnecessary ; that it had been due to the lack of organization and discipline on board, and gently, dispassionately, she said so to the captain of the Lusitania.' She further stated her intention of saying so publicly later. It seemed to me, fresh from that incompetent muddle on the' Lusitania's ' deck, that she entirely proved her case. A sailor who came in to attend to me suggested that she was hysterical She appeared to be the one person on board who was not.
It must have been about half-past nine at night when I came to myself on board 'The Bluebell.' As to the interval, I heard afterwards that I had been picked up at dusk by a rowing-boat; that in the gathering darkness they had very nearly missed me, but that by some curious chance a wicker chair had floated up under me (it must have happened after I lost consciousness) ; that this had both helped to raise me further out of the water than I should otherwise have floated (and so likely enough saved my life by lessening the strain on me) and had made a slightly larger mark which had been noticed in the water, and they had rowed to it. The little boat had trans- ferred me to 'The Bluebell.' I was handed up to it along with a lot of dead bodies, but the midshipman who handed me on board said, "I rather think there's some life in this woman ; you'd better try and see." So they did. They told me that when I recovered I went straight off to sleep without regaining consciousness and slept for two hours before I came to myself on the deck of 'The Bluebell' in the dark.
We got into Queenstown Harbour about eleven. A man (the steward who had waited at our table on the Lusitania ') came on board and told me that my father had been rescued and was already on shore. When we came alongside the captain of 'The Bluebell' came in and asked if I could go ashore, as he wanted to move on again. I said certainly; but not wrapped in one tiny blanket. Modesty, which had been completely absent for some hours, was beginning faintly to return. I said I could do it if only I had a couple of safety pins to fasten the thing together; but it was a man's ship, and the idea of safety pins just produced hoots of laughter. Finally, someone went ashore and borrowed a "British Warm" from one of the soldiers on the quay. Clad in this, with the blanket tucked round my waist underneath it, and wearing the captain's carpet slippers, I started for the shore. The gangway was a difficult obstacle. It was so placed that it meant stepping up eighteen inches or possibly a couple of feet. I must have been pretty weak, for I had to get down on to my hands and knees and crawl on to it. At the other end of the gangway my