COMPETITION

Conjugation

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1389 you were asked to supply 'conjugations' after the pattern of: I am tolerant. You are permissive. He has no morals.

This drew the biggest entry ever, and the credit for thinking up this highly popular competition belongs to 12-year-old Rory Stewart, who kindly wrote to me from Thailand suggesting it. It is of course a traditional joke form, as D. E. Poole re- minded me, citing the time-honoured 'I like boys. You are a choirmaster. He is in prison.' W. H. Ellis came up with an amus- ing but inadmissible effort entitled 'We Have Conjugated': I am enceinte. He is incensed. We are insolvent. There were bound to be a lot of near duplications, and in those cases I plumped for the neatest version. Prizes, as ever, go to those who showed a touch of originality. Every item printed below is worth £2 to the owner. The list of good runners-up this week is as long as a gibbon's arm. The bonus bottle of Veuve Clicquot Gold Label 1979 Vintage Champagne (the gift of NERA) is the property of Bob Norman.

I stand on principle. You ignore public opinion. She will lose the next election.

I am a feminist. You are a women's libber. He is a sexist pronoun. (Bob Norman) I am an all-rounder. You are a dilettante. He is a butterfly.

I write romantic novels. You write love stories. She writes trash.

(Anne Carver) We are an administration. You are a regime. They are a dictatorship.

My works are reminiscent. Yours are derivative. His are sheer plagiarism.

(Colin Bayliss) I monitor. You research. He spies.

I deputise. You assist. He plays second fiddle.

(E. L. Bellwringle) I drink occasionally. You drink socially. He drinks.

I save. You invest. He is a capitalist.

(John Dean) I am self-sacrificing. You are a Martha. She is a doormat.

(Ron Jowker) I am an investor. You are a speculator. He belongs to Gamblers Anonymous.

I have a proper sense of my own worth. You are a megalomaniac. He is Robert Maxwell.

(Jon Fernside) I am relaxed. You are laid-back. He is blase.

(R. J. Stove)

I find the occasional literary competition an en- joyable creative experience. You are an obses- sive competition entrant. He is George Moor.

(P. M. G. Shiel) I am stylish. You are fashion-conscious. She is mutton dressed as lamb.

(Catherine Roberts) I am successful. You are fortunate. He is lucky.

(Sid Field) I am bored. You are asleep. He is dead.

(Paul Schofield) I do good. You are a do-gooder. He is a social worker.

(Charles Mosley) I take an interest in popular culture. You like to relax in front of the box. He is hooked on Dallas.

(Peter Norman) I am not in the office at the moment. You are out to lunch. He is pissed again.

(Nicholas Hodgson) I have laughter lines. You have crow's feet. She is wrinkled.

(Monica G. Ribon) I felt like death. You didn't look too well. The patient had some discomfort.

(Richard Chilver) I am self-sufficient. You are cranky. He knits his jumpers from his own beard.

(E. P. Johnson) I am a freedom fighter. You are a militant. He is a terrorist.

(Roger Woddis)

I am between jobs. You are out of work. He is unemployed.

(John Sweetman) I live in the country. You live out of London. He lives near Kingston.

I am a chef. You cook. He heats up food.

(Spuddy Wilkins)