Mugging is good for you
PetroneIla Wyatt
Being mugged has in some ways been a rewarding experience. Well, some good comes out of everything, as they say. Every yob has a silver lining. Every theft is a blessing in disguise. Each thorn has a rose
at the end of the rainbow or is that slightly mixed up?
Since two men made off with my earrings and nearly made off with me, I have had one of the best weeks of my life. Everyone treats me as if I were a piece of shimmering, fragile glass. I haven't received so many flowers since my 18th birthday. Friends from whom I haven't heard a squeak in months were suddenly on the phone in droves. Whenever I appeared in public, people gazed upon me with amazement as if I were some fearless hero. On Saturday, I went to a concert followed by a dinner and was bombarded with questions. How courageous it was, they said, that I should have ventured out so soon after my dreadful ordeal. 'Well, one mustn't be pathetic,' I said, shrugging it off. But, they replied, you must be so frightfully brave. After the tenth remark of this kind I began to feel disgruntled. Did they expect me to stay in bed for a week? When I told one of my best friends about this she accused me of being a bit of a pig to feel such ingratitude. I wasn't a pig, I said, I was only what a pig sometimes becomes when it's put between two slices of bread.
What I found most astonishing of all, however, was the reaction of the police. After taking down my statement, I was shocked to read in the newspapers an almost identical account of my story. As faith, hope and not to say charity makes me rule out my family tipping off the press in order to make a quick buck, I could only conclude that it was a member of the police force who had tipped off the media. When I delved further into this possibility, a friend suggested that the police force was full of moles who are more than happy to give stories to journalists.
Is this what we are paying the police for — to gossip? I am particularly mad as Knightsbridge now seems to have become a real no-go area. A few days ago my singing teacher was nearly mugged in his own house there. A man posing as a gas-meter reader rang the bell and asked to come inside. He was wearing some sort of identification which must have been forged. He claimed there was a power cut imminent as some men were working on the road. My singing teacher let him in. He showed the man the gas meter downstairs and then was slightly surprised when he expressed a desire to go upstairs to the top of the house. Ten minutes later the alleged gasmeter person had disappeared. My teacher became suspicious and went round the corner to ask someone if any men were working on the road. No, they weren't. My singing teacher then rushed back to the house and found that the man had made off with some valuable possessions. Fortunately, it was nothing worse than that.
What has the world come to when neither a girl nor a middle-aged singing teacher is safe in Knightsbridge? An American friend of mine who has been visiting London expressed amazement when I related these tales. The Americans still believe, touchingly, that London is the most delightful and peaceful city on earth. 'But what about your mayor?' my friend asked. 'What does he do?'
I replied that his main interest in life was to harass drivers. I explained that although the number of cars in London has only increased by under 2 per cent in ten years, he has tried to shut off about 30 per cent of the roads. This is to discourage anyone from bringing their vehicle into town. But the end-result has been roughly the same number of cars but three times as many jams. Nor has it encouraged people to use public transport instead. Who wants to sit on a bus in a tailback of nearly a mile? I have noticed recently that buses are emptier than they have ever been, to which Livingstone's answer is to make them 60 ft long. I then explained that people are put off using the underground because it is unreliable and always on strike.
My American friend failed to understand the logic behind Ken Livingstone's policy, which is hardly surprising. He also said he, too, had failed to notice any policemen on the street and had assumed that this was because we had little crime. Ha, ha. The Tories really ought to make mileage out of this if they want an unbreakable stick with which to beat the government. Once, the Tories argued that people were being driven away because of high taxes; now they could argue that people are leaving because of the high crime rate. I am still waiting to see a policeman on my own street, but it is like waiting for a hansom cab: a thing of the past. Or perhaps Labour is keeping a reserve force back, to go down to the country when the hunting ban becomes law. Get real, as one of my muggers might say.
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