PETER QUINCE
There is a nice little thatched cottage up for sale in the village, and the other day I came across a couple of prospective buyers ex- amining the property. They had a moderately expensive car parked in the lane and they were standing by the gate discuss- ing how they would improve the old house to suit their taste. 'We could put in a big picture window instead of that thing,' said the man, pointing to the modest lattice with its dia- mond panes. 'And build a loggia on the south side,' said the woman. 'Pity the ceilings are so low,' he went on. 'Pity about the thatch, / think,' she replied. 'I'm sure it's unhygienic.'
I got out of earshot before I could hear what they proposed to do about any of the other items which together added up to the essential character of the place, but which evidently seemed major defects in their eyes. The encounter left me wondering about their motives. I often come across similar at- titudes, as must anyone who lives in the country. People decide to emigrate from the town to the countryside : then, having made their purchase, they cannot rest until they have remodelled it to create their own little suburbia around them. Concrete goes down by the lorryload, hedges give way to fences, 'and old houses which are unpretentious gems of one traditional architectural mode are converted into clumsy parodies of stan- dard housing estate products. It is a-puzzling way of going on.
If at the end of all this messing about the owners had got themselves pseudo-modern houses on the cheap, then the thing would be perfectly understandable. But, of course, they pay dear for the results. The country cottage which looks pretty, but which lacks the full glories of suburbia, tends to be an expensive acquisition nowadays even if the buyer is content with it as it stands, If, hav- ing bought it, he wishes to transform it, then he is setting out on an extremely costly course. By the time he has said goodbye to the builders, and the plumbers, and the roofers, and the central-heating experts, not to mention the anti-woodworm specialists, and the carpenters, and various other specialists such as old Joe who is the only man who knows where the drains lie, then he has probably spent enough to buy himself a couple of brand-new desirable residences with picture windows in all directions.
Yet they go on doing it, and it is a source of continuing surprise to country people that these smart chaps from the town should be so ready to throw their money about, It's not that the countryman despises modern houses: far from it : most farm workers, for example, are delighted to move out of a pic- turesque old cottage with beams and inglenooks and into a new council house. Nevertheless, his common sense is offended by this extravagant tinkering with something which is already very good of its kind. If you don't like the kind, why not get something else?
At least the phenomenon is fruitful for conversation in the village, When, a year or so ago, a fine old timber-framed house fell into the hands of one of these modern 'im- provers', the continuing story of his struggles with an intractable structure and the scarcely less intractable local experts was endless material for mirthful talk. By the time he had had the place turned inside out, and all the rooms rearranged, and the house generally transformed from a friendly family dwelling into a rich businessman's 'showplace', a year had passed and the winter was upon us; and it was only then that he discovered that the nearby river sometimes overflowed its banks, with disastrous results for his parquet floors and his expensive carpets.
We have a self-appointed guardian of all the old houses-in the village. He is a retired colonel who possesses an affectionate knowledge, I believe, of every single building within the parish boundaries; he is very
learned about cruck building, and the pro- duct of the long-defunct local brickworks, and such matters. The colonel also seems to learn by some instinct whenever a,
householder is contemplating any unfeeling alteration to his property, and he is swiftly on the scene in the hope of being able to represent a more properly respectful point of view.
Since he is a man of limitless courtesy and considerable diffidence, the ensuing con- versations are often very lengthy and must also, I imagine, be bewildering at first to some of those whom he addresses. But more
often than not the colonel wins his point. He is, I feel, a great diplomatist manqué, since
what he is in effect doing is telling a householder not to be an insensitive oaf, whereas the man usually ends up with the feeling that he alone is making a brave stand against the forces of barbarism. It is a singularly delicate transaction.
The colonel has his defeats, of course. One that pained him acutely was when the old house standing directly across the street from his own suddenly appeared in a hideous new dress of blue and yellow paint. The eruption did fearful violence to the entire village scene. For once the colonel's instinct had failed him; he had not had wind of the development in time to influence the householder towards higher things. I dare say he was kept awake at nights by the thought of the vulgar display outside his own windows.
After a year he steeled himself to raise the matter with the offender in his customary gentle fashion, with many a delicate hint and Henry James-like refinement and qualifica- tion of expression. 1 happened to be with him at the time. `Dcin't you think,' he finally
brought himself to say, getting as near to-a direct rebuke as was within .his range, 'that perhaps it might be agreed that the—er, the experiment has perhaps not been a suc- cess?'
The householder bridled, denied the suggestion hotly, and ended the con- versation. The colonel was desolated. But very soon afterwards the painters were' at work obliterating the garish colours. 'Well, I liked it all right,' the householder later ex- plained, 'but I could see the colonel didn't and he's such a nice old boy I didn't want to upset him.' It's remarkable, when one comes to think of it, how many matters of high village policy are settled on just those simple and agreeable lines.
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