Victorian Verdicts

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 305 Report by John Barlow

A prize of f5 was offered for brief (and imaginary) understatements from any three of the f011owing eminent Victorians : Dr. Thomas Arnold on comprehensive schools; Ruskin on London's new 'packing-case' architecture; Carlyle on commercial television; Matthew Arnold on the proposed relief roads at Oxford; Swinburne on the erotic poetry of D. H. Lawrence; Holman Hunt on Picasso; Dickens on horror comics; Samuel Smiles on football pools.

THE strain of family Christmas-coping resulted in what by Spectator standards was only a modest entry; possibly also it was something Christmasy that caused nearly half the entrants to grossly violate the rules—they were either too verbose by far, or sent in a comment by only one Eminent Victorian.

The idea was to invent understatements for authors who (with the exception of Matthew Arnold) were more generally given to overstatement or at least very emphatic comment, while still retaining the manner of their writing. The obviously easy models, I should have thought, were Carlyle and Matthew Arnold ironists both. Though brevity was by no means lacking among the acceptable entries, most of the attempts at epigram and apophthegm fell flat; what was required was a deliberate understatement, not merely a feebly expressed opinion, however characteristic of its alleged author it might be. There were quite a number of neat singletons but few managed' to hit off three times the sort of eyebrow-raising crack that was looked for. Dr. Thomas Arnold, Charles Dickens and Holman Hunt were hot favourites and many entries favoured the combination of these three; Matthew Arnold and Swinburne were the least popular models. Good singletons :

HOLMAN HUNT:

There is a certain incongruity in his matter and form, which makes me wonder whether he h'as ever taken any considerable journey to study his subjects at first hand.

(MISS VERA TELFER.)

I am of the opinion that Mr. Picasso might usefully employ as models those whose physi- ognomy more nearly corresponds to that which is accepted, happily, as the normal in nature.

(GRANviLLE GARLEY.) On careful study of his pictures, I discern a slightly careless attitude to exactitude of detail. (MISS LUCY SALTER.)

RUSKIN :

A child may soon draw fees for piling up

his toy bricks. (DOUGLAS HAWSON.)

Si corrigendum requiris—circumspice.

(MRS. K. J. WEBB.)

It is difficult to regard the current new building as'indicative of the national character. I imagine that the feeling of prudent English- men might well be : 'This does not seem to conform with what we normally associate with "English Perpendicular."' (F. 0. HALL.)

DR. THOMAS ARNOLD:

The deyelopment of a Christian character is hardly possible in a school so large that the master cannot tell one pupil from another.

(A. J. W. I.)

The scholars are doubtless taught the two R's; the third, RUINATION, they will probably acquire for themselves. Yes, I firmly believe that we, get the schools we merit.

(R. B. BROWNING.) SAMUEL SMILES :

In the 'pools' it is indeed possible by judi- cious permutation to practise self-help in per- haps its purest form, and material advance in its purest and indeed most perfectly abstract form. (P. KERSHAW.)

The prizes go to R. Kennard Davis (£3) and Allan M. Laing (£2). PRIZES

(11. KENNARD DAVIS)

RUSKIN :

Of these enormous and costly erections I shall say nothing : for, in the terms of Archi- tecture as it has hitherto been understood in civilised communities, there is literally nothing to be said.

DiciceNs.: Do these papers portray Terewth, my friends? Do they refine the interlecks or elevate the moral seskeptabilities of the young and innercent? Alas, my friends, they do not!

MATTHEW ARNOLD:

For myself, I find it difficult to believe that the pollution of the High Street and the Corn- market can be sensibly alleviated by the desecration of the Meadows and the Parks.

(ALLAN M. LAINO) SAMUEL SMILES :

I have sometimes had an uneasy suspicion that the encouragement of industry, thrift and contentment with that station of life in which Providence has placed the lower classes is not the principal, aim of the organisers of Football Pools.

HOLMAN HUNT: My painting, The Light of the World, was not, I think, in any sense an anticipation of the later work of Mr. Pablo Picasso.

DICKENS :

'What do you think of these appalling periodicals, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, dumping a load of horror comics in front of Mr. Weller.

'Veil, sir,' said Sam, after looking through them and whistling in a peculiarly significant manner, `they don't seem quite the ticket for a Sunday School—as the parson said vett they took him to a cockfight.'