Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Happy New Year and May The Force Be With You in 2007! I think it's fair to say that Dave's brilliant message sent shivers down all our spines, mine included, even though I was in the office last week when Jed was writing it. V powerful stuff. If any of us were in any doubt of the seriousness of the battle ahead of us as Darth Vader prepares to take control of the Empire with his formidable band of Imperial Stormtroopers, then our leader's words must surely galvanise us into a state of readiness. It can be no coincidence that Sky was showing the entire Star Wars saga from start to finish today. Got up at six to watch it from end to end. Think am beginning to understand what Dave means when he talks about 'Labour's Dark Side coming to the fore'. Just finished talking to Poppy who was also watching it. She reckons that as followers of the Light, we must continue to use love and beauty as a path to power, whilst the evil Sith rely on overbearing regulation and top-down control. The only problem, we agreed, is that Jedi can occasionally become crippled by their own compassion and act 'soft'. Nevertheless we remain optimistic that the Empire will fall and the Old Republic will rise again under the brave leadership of Dave Skywalker. Am going to bed now. Feel bit strange and dizzy.
TUESDAY Back at work and the office looks wonderful decorated in Star Wars memorabilia! Plus someone has put up a helpful guide to Who's Who in the Intergalactic Conservative Party. Now I see it written down, it seems so obvious — who else but our very own director of strategy Jed as the original Jedi knight Obi-Wan Kenobi — a mysterious hermit who tutors Luke Skywalker in the Jedi arts! DD is Hans Solo, the arrogant, reckless, selfish loner (played by dishy Harrison Ford, Poppy insists on pointing out) who reluctantly realises the importance of being part of a team and with his brilliant piloting skills steers the Millennium Falcon spaceship to victory. Gideon is Chewbacca, the wise but inarticulate Wookee who understands 'Tory Basic' but cannot speak it and makes strange strangled sounds. Mr Letwin is Yoda, the goblin-like creature with a penchant for practical jokes who is Grandmaster of the Jedi order. Mr Redwood is the robot R2-D2, naturally, and Mr Willetts is C-3P0 (mainly, I think, because we all secretly fantasise about unscrewing his head). Various monsters have been assigned to Labour MPs — John Prescott is Jabba the Hutt. Wonky Tom from home affairs brought in lightsabers so spent all afternoon in training.
WEDNESDAY Mr Maude came round this morning and told us all that 'this nonsense' had to stop. Cheek! Tom pointed out we had now trained in all seven forms of lightsaber combat (three trips to Hamleys yesterday). Mr Maude was obviously impressed. He said we could continue to hone our skills so long as we kept the noise to a minimum because Master Yoda was having a telekinetic fit in the tranquillity room. Again.
THURSDAY Foxy is distraught he hasn't been assigned a Jedi character. Was inconsolable until someone told him that he could be understudy Skywalker with Mr Hague as understudy Hans Solo. Personally I don't think it's wise to set up an alternative Jedi power base but ObiWan said it was the only way to keep him on board the spaceship. Plus Yoda has had a vision and apparently it all works out OK after the Agents of Chaos are eclipsed in a duel at dawn. Phew!
tamzin.lightwater@spectatoixo.uk
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