YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. In recent times I have gown to admire a one-time elder statesman of the Australian Labor party who has, in his declining years, discovered the error of his ways. He is now a constant source of comfort to sensible folk who are sick of being railroaded into taking a politically correct stance on every- thing from racial prejudice to domestic lence. He is, in addition, a fervent monar- chist — something we Aussies could do With a lot more of. To pay due respect to this brave individual and to assist with the task of ensuring that his views are dissemi- nated to a wide audience, I decided to establish a local appreciation society of like-minded devotees. I embarked upon a comprehensive publicity campaign which received blanket coverage in the local P, ress, and put up posters on notice-boards, tamP-posts and the like to advertise the society's formation. I then wrote to the man Minself inviting him to the inaugural meet- ing and to a gala launch event planned to kick the whole thing off. This is the nub of tuY problem: despite all my efforts, the resPonse has been somewhat disappointing. In fact I have received just one inquiry, and that from someone who did not appear to be _all that well. Tell me, Mary, how do I aUtnvite the guest of honour without letting lt!ru know that he is not universally held in nigh esteem?
A.F.C, Bateman's Bay, NSW, Australia A. The old boy need not take it personally. No doubt Australians are suffering, just as Britons are, from Worthy Cause Fatigue, with inveiglements to lend financial or moral support to some cause or other battering the senses at every turn. What people do not mind doing, however, is attending a normal party and then being tricked into buying something or signing their name as a sup- porter once they have had a bit of merri- ment. So tell your hero that intelligence has reached you that the demagogic ultra-right- wing Pauline Hanson is planning to attend the gala with hundreds of her supporters in a bid to cash in on his popularity. To avoid misleading publicity you have therefore decided to put the gala on hold and give a low-profile celebration in your own home with a hand-picked selection of people known personally to you who are guaran- teed to pose no security risk nor attempt to hijack the proceedings. Then simply go ahead and invite all your normal friends to drink champagne and eat luxury foodstuffs on the date in question with 'Guest of Hon- our, Sir So-and-so' at the bottom of the invi- tation in small writing. Have some over- priced goods or raffle tickets on sale in order to recoup your costs and you will find your friends will probably cough up quite happily as your guest of honour mingles freely with them in a low-key walkabout session.
Q. I was recently at Newmarket, where we had three runners including the favourite for the big race. As I walked into the racecourse I spotted an acquaintance who came up and said, 'What on earth are you doing here?' Apart from the fact that she evidently hadn't looked at her racecard, which raises the question what she was doing there as she patently wasn't interested in the racing, I found her comment vexatious. Needless to say, the quick riposte was not forthcoming, nor has esprit de l'escalier provided a ready answer for when I am next greeted with such an irritating remark. What do you suggest?
S.M., Beechingstoke, Wilts A. Deal with any future impertinences by riposting, 'Looking around me, I've just been asking myself the very same question. Only trouble is your husband asked me to meet him here because he had something important to tell me. Any idea where he is?'
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