YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I should like to get my revenge on an odious little hack who has been attacking me in print and on television for many Years. I would also like to take up the cud- gel on behalf of some of the less able-bod- ied victims of his distorting lens. As we are certain to be attending at least one of the same literary parties this summer, I feel some sort of public gesture would be appropriate. What is your view on wine- throwing?
C.H., W11 A. There is no doubt that wine-throwing, though passé, would certainly excite media interest and might open up the debate vis a Ids whether or not this person is an odious little hack. Yet you run the risk of being dissatisfied with the conclusions drawn and even of incurring further personal attacks by new persecutors. Meanwhile, the hack in question will hardly have been punished by merely having to pay a dry-cleaning bill. Par better to exact a more certain revenge. Your tiny tormentor, I gather, is known to be extremely vain. He is also a famous Wearer of white suits. Why not, therefore, bag pop a small jar of Marmite into your °ag when setting out for one of these par- ties? In the crush it should be no trouble for you to deposit the merest trace of Mar- mite onto an appropriate area of the seat of his white trousers. It only remains for you then to take up a position by the door of the party so that, when your victim is leav- ing, you can ensure satisfaction by being able to alert him to his condition with the words, 'Oh dear, you seem to have had some sort of accident. Bad luck.'
Q. I have a problem looming as it will soon be the season when first-year students are looking for flats and, more importantly, flatmates. A friend of mine believes that my conception of the perfect 'digs' involves sharing with him for an entire year. This scenario fills me with utter dread as, while being friendly, different tastes and opinions dictate that we would not be compatible flatmates. If one was being brutally honest the simplest solution would be to tell him that this is not a feasible option. However, I do regard him as a friend and do not want to hurt his feelings in any way. Another worry is that he doesn't know anyone else who is not lined up with flatmates already, making me the only option in his eyes. How am I to let him down gently, preserve the balance of friendship and share with whom I want?
Name and address withheld A. In order to prepare yourself for breaking the grim news to this would-be flatmate first ask your parents to rack their brains for any character defects that could con- ceivably be attributed to you which would only 'come out' in a cohabiting scenario. You can then inform your little friend, with a sigh, that you are fairly depressed that you cannot share with him, but you are adamant, in the wake of what your parents have said about what a nightmare you are to live with, and that you will not endanger your most important friendship by allowing him to see the underside of your stone.
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