6 OCTOBER 1990, Page 31

Who do you think you are?

Already bespoke on his last day at boarding-school Nobody missed him which wasn't surprising Because his lost name still appeared on the roll call Of embryo Old Boys from Alpha to Omega Claimed by the Club for reunion dinners Whose members barked 'Here, sir!' with stupified laughter, Where smoke-rings descended to hoop-la his brandy And everyone answered to nicknames like Tiger Or Jumbo or Tiny or Brain-box or Leg-over Keeping their end up as though just beginning Until on that last day his wife took the register Called out his name and found he was missing.

John Mole