Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater SUNDAY Am shattered from lugging huge bag of policies around. Felt like asking Mr Gove what exactly he'd put in his blasted School Reforms, but just about controlled self. Plus, the poor girls working for Gids are having to cope with a Mulberry hold-all each of tax cuts so I suppose I shouldn't complain. Anyway, was already tired and emotional when Mrs May got up on stage in her leopard-patterned wellies. As if it's not bad enough that I've forgotten to pack my London Sole sequinned ballet pumps, I now have to go rummaging around Blackpool for designer wellingtons. I simply couldn't be more stressed. Am also v worried about these tax cuts. It's all very well for Jed to say it doesn't mean we're right-wing, but it just feels, well, right-wing ... in a very real sense. Have just dropped hold-all in lobby of hotel. Turns out bag was full of research showing the connection between the wearing of blazers and high exam scores. Even nice Mr Gove has gone disciplinarian! Clearly will now have to drown sorrows at series of pointless fringe events, followed by seafront karaoke. It shouldn't have to be this way.
MONDAY Definitely something strange going on. At lunchtime Jed sent Mr Letwin out to say that drug pushers were victims who needed love. Heard Nigel saying: 'Why bother? We're all Thatcherites now.' To which Jed replied: 'I can't just let go like that. I need time, man.' Nipped out to look for wellies, but entire town barricaded off thanks to our defence stunt. Turns out you can't drive a decrepit tank through a town centre without annoying the police. Personally, I wouldn't have used a company called Tanks-A-Lot.
Highlight of day — secret meeting with Dave in which he revealed the election was definitely going to be called on Friday! Or else Monday. Or possibly a bit later. Got v dynamic and tough. 'Look here, you chaps, you're going to jolly well have to get used to the idea of some damned hard work and all that.' The atmosphere was electric. Said we were going to be campaigning on five big issues: health, education, crime, housing and immigration. The pressure must be getting to him, because he forgot to mention General Well Being and the environment — the big silly! He's only human I guess.
TUESDAY Wall-to-wall fab coverage in press! Dave particularly thrilled with headline 'Tories to cure cancer'. Says it's not quite on a par with Tony making the sun shine — but it's early days yet! Bit of a horrid flashback from referendum drinks reception last night I kept forgetting not to do impressions of William Hague while actually talking to him Mr Hague was sweet about it. Said it's easily done and mine was better than Poppy's, although I should tone down the nasal, and emphasise the end-ofparagraph hum. Good tip. Mummy on phone again asking for more details of the inheritance tax policy. Says can I ask Dave to exempt up to a million and a half. Told her I'd try but I can't promise anything.
WEDNESDAY Only two more days to go till the election's called! Good job we've got our manifesto written. In fact, just about everything seems to be in place. Dave bit nervous about his conference speech. But I'm sure it will all be fine. He's got a tonne of right-wing policies and we're only six points behind in the polls! Next stop Downing Street!!
*A big thank you to all readers of my Spectator Coffee House blog for your su• es/ions about where to buy pony-patterned wellies. Your support was much appreciated. One thing I don't understand —what is 'Milieus'?